


Walking a Tightrope

by bizarrefields



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, Jealousy, M/M, Miscommunication, Wooing, capital A angst folks, eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2019-11-15 07:02:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,329
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18068795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bizarrefields/pseuds/bizarrefields
Summary: After collapsing in the middle of practice, Neil is forced into taking a break. To make matters worse, his ex shows up to whisk him away to New York for a week.Alternatively, Andrew is determined to win Neil back.





	1. One

Neil’s eyes hurt as soon as they fluttered open. He immediately squeezed them shut, attempting to block out the brightness assaulting his senses. He breathed in deeply through his nose, registering the faint smell of chemicals and disinfectants in the air.

 _I’m in a hospital_ , he thought.

Having been an exy player for many years now, he had become familiar with them. Although he’d often had someone like Abby to look after his cuts and bruises, he had graduated around a year ago and had left Palmetto and his newest Foxes behind with a bittersweet heart. Now that he was playing professionally and on a new team, it wasn’t uncommon that his paranoid coach, Petersons, made him check in with a doctor whenever he got a concussion or suffered even the mildest of sprains.

With the sharp smell of medicine permeating the air combined with the bright red of the insides of his eyelids, he could feel a headache approaching. Slowly, he managed to pry open his eyes, squinting against the sheer whiteness of the room. He was lying flat on his back, so he couldn’t see much beyond the ceiling at first. When he turned his head to the left, he could see a window with its curtains pulled back, making him curse the nurse who did that. There was nothing else on the wall besides a single frame of a painted flower.

He stilled when he heard the sound of a body shifting near him. He distantly wondered when his first reaction to waking up in unfamiliar territory changed from being panicked to simply observing his surroundings. Many years ago, he would have jumped off his bed by now and used it as a barrier between himself and the other person in the room.

Instead, he shifted his head to look at his right, and became painfully aware of the dryness of his mouth.

“Neil.”

Andrew Minyard sat in a chair on the right side of his bed, positioned just a few feet away from him. The man sat straight and tense with his hands gripping the arms of the chair so tight that his knuckles were white. His hair was still the same honey blond, but was unusually unkempt. The strands curled every which way, wild and untamed, falling around Andrew’s face like a picture frame.

His eyes were the same intense brown-green that had never failed, not even now, to send tingles shooting down Neil’s spine in the most delightful way. Andrew’s jaw had the same definition, his lips were the same pink, his nose had the same freckles – but some things were different. There was a furrow between his brows that no one, and often not even Neil himself, was usually privy to see.

“Neil,” Andrew repeated.  
  
“Andrew,” Neil replied dumbly, unable to process what was happening.

He hadn’t spoken to Andrew in a year. He hadn't seen Andrew in the flesh for more than that.  

Against all odds and all the bets their teammates placed, Andrew and Neil had managed to make their relationship work during their time at Palmetto. For four years, their relationship had blossomed into something Neil had been convinced would last a lifetime. For four years, they kissed, sat on rooftops, watched sunrises and sunsets together when they couldn’t sleep, and went on long road-trips when they needed to get away. Once Andrew graduated, however, things took a turn Neil hadn’t anticipated.

Andrew had signed with a team located in New York, and although they had never talked about their future together, Neil had been pretty secure in it regardless of what distance was placed between them.

And he had been right, at least for the first few months. Everything had been normal – they had talked every day either through the phone or using face-time. Just like in real life, Neil had done most of the talking during these calls and Andrew would only add in his usual dry commentary every now then.

Slowly, over time, the dynamic between them began to change. The new Foxes weren’t performing too well in games, so Neil had begun spending a great deal of his time training the new recruits and strategizing with Wymack. Andrew, on the other hand, had been settling into a new city with a new team. Knowing this, Neil hadn’t bothered wondering why their phone calls had suddenly seemed so much shorter and less frequent.

One day, while on the phone, Andrew’s silence had begun to eat away at him. When they were together in person where Neil could see Andrew’s body language, it was so much easier to communicate. But with the stretch of hundreds of miles between them and nothing but a piece of aluminum to keep them connected, a heavy weight had settled over Neil’s heart.

They tried to see one another as often as they could, but even that became difficult after a while. It was impossible to see each other every weekend due to their school and work requirements, so by the fifth or sixth month, they stopped trying altogether. The only time beyond that that Neil ever saw Andrew was on TV or through face-time.

By the seventh or eighth month, Andrew had begun to ignore Neil’s calls. Not all the time, but enough times to make Neil worry. He no longer knew the blond’s schedule, so he also didn’t know if Andrew was purposefully ignoring his calls or if he was just calling at inconvenient times. Still, Andrew never called him back. Or called him, period. At one point, Neil had felt brave just sending a good morning text to him.

He’d wondered, was he still talking too much about exy? It was hard not to, but he had made a genuine effort in recent years to talk about other things with Andrew. Maybe he hadn’t improved as much as he thought. Was Andrew simply busy? He’d joined a new team and with all the practices and games he had to go to, it was easy to imagine the man was simply busy and tired.

Every now and then, the thought that Andrew was no longer interested in him snuck up on him. Neil had spent more than a few nights lying awake feeling heartsick and unable to fall asleep. More and more recently he had begun to search up Andrew’s name online to see what was happening in his life. Before, he could have asked Andrew directly, but he had begun to feel significantly less welcome in the man’s life.

He would watch Andrew’s games on the large flat-screen TV in the Foxes’ lounge in the stadium late at night sometimes. By their third year together, Andrew had begun to put some effort into their games and had significantly improved, and it showed in how he played with his new team. The opposing side never stood a chance against his speed and quick thinking. He always knew where the ball was going, how fast it was, and how hard to hit it.

Neil would also watch the way Andrew interacted with his teammates. He was as distant as he always was, not returning any smiles or high-fives, but every now and then he would allow a small exchange of words that looked civil enough to make Neil proud. More often than not, the teammate he talked to was Derek Hodges, the best and most loved striker on the team. Standing at over 6 feet tall with curly hair and muscular legs, he was Andrew’s type and Neil was all too aware of this fact.

Now, Neil wasn’t a naturally jealous person. Not in this context, at least. In fact, he hadn’t even cared to learn Hodge’s name up until one game when, after winning, the striker had engulfed Andrew in a hug. Andrew, who under normal circumstances would have punched anyone who attempted to do such a thing, hadn’t returned the hug but still delayed in pushing the man off him.

He never confronted Andrew about, but it kept Neil up many nights.

“Neil.”

Neil snapped back to reality and realized he had been staring at Andrew for too long. He closed his open mouth and tried to swallow around the dryness in his mouth, although it was impossible. Running a hand subconsciously through his hair, he quickly tried to come up with something to say.

“What are you doing here?” He never had much tact.

Andrew replied bluntly, “You’re hurt.”

They stared at one another for a few more seconds before Neil nodded slowly to himself and shifted his head back to face the ceiling, distantly wondering if this was a hallucination.

“Can’t even take care of yourself after all these years. I should have expected this from you,” He heard Andrew say.

Neil continued to stare at the ceiling for a few more seconds before shifting and trying to get up.

Andrew reached over and pressed a button that raised and folded his bed slightly, “I would’ve thought you to have better self-preservation skills than this by now.”

“Guess you don’t know me as well as thought you did,” Neil didn’t know where that came from.

Andrew chose not to comment and instead stared at him intently for a few more seconds. It was hard for Neil to meet his eyes now when in the past he would have no problem doing so. He loved Andrew’s eyes and the weight of his gaze, but now the weight felt suffocating and like it was picking him apart. He didn’t know what to do.

“What happened?” Neil changed the subject.

“You passed out in the middle of practice,” Andrew said plainly and leaned back in his chair. “You ran yourself ragged – doctor said you haven’t been eating right or getting enough sleep for some time now. You really have a death wish, don’t you,” It wasn’t a question.

It was the longest Neil had heard the man talk in a while now, and he couldn’t help but shiver slightly at the roughness of it. Andrew’s voice had always been deep and quiet, something Neil was very attracted to.

He still wanted Andrew to answer his first question.

“We’re going to New York,” The goalie had always been good at reading his mind.

Confused, Neil asked, “New York? I have practice – Wait, what day is it?”

Andrew’s expression tightened, “Junkie. You’re lying in a hospital bed and even now you’re thinking about that stupid game.”

‘ _Y_ _our junkie_ ’ is how Neil would have replied to Andrew’s anger in the past, but the past was just that – the past.

Instead he said, “Fine. Why am I going to New York?”

“You’re not going to New York, we’re going to New York,” Andrew corrected. “You’re not allowed back on the court for at least a week. I talked to your coach.”

When Neil looked like he was going to argue, he rolled his eyes, “You’re half-dead. You’re not getting out of this one.”

“But why are we going to New York?”

“You’re going to stay with me,” Andrew glared cuttingly at Neil when it looked like he wanted to cut him off. “You’ll spend the week with me and recover.”

“I don’t have to go to New York to recover.”

“Then who’s going to make sure you don’t accidentally kill yourself?”

“I don’t need anyone to look after me.” Neil scowled.

“Clearly, you do,” Andrew countered, unimpressed.

Neil glared at the man. Had he not known the blond as well as he did, he would have mistook his blank expression to be apathetic and intimidating, but he saw clear as day the clenching of Andrew’s jaw, indicating exactly how pissed off he was.

“Is anyone else here?” Neil asked.

“It’s just me now,” Andrew said.

A few hours later, just like Andrew said, Neil found himself getting ready to leave. After he had been discharged by the hospital and given care instructions, Andrew had handed him a bag full of sweatpants, a hoodie, some socks, shoes, and a pair of sunglasses. They had been messily thrown in there in what seemed to be a hurry.

The clothes fit him almost perfectly. The sweatpants were a few inches too short to be his, but after a while he recognized the hoodie as his own. He hadn’t worn it for a very long time now, as it was an extra that he had left at Andrew’s apartment so long ago. It was a little loose due to the weight he had dropped, but it was definitely his own. And Andrew had kept it.

Neil switched to a different stream of thought. Andrew had remembered to bring him some sunglasses, and hopefully this get-up would be enough to hide him from any fans that may recognize him in the hospital or the parking lot. There wasn’t much to be done about the scars on his face. Against his will, with some time, he had become a little bit tolerant of the media attention he got. In this situation, however, it would be best if he were not seen.

Once he was changed, they exited the building together. The blond wore a similar outfit, except in black rather than gray, and it was also significantly tighter. Neil tried his best to ignore Andrew’s arms.

Sliding into the Maserati, even after all this time, felt familiar to Neil. He settled in easily and immediately remembered all the special moments they had in this car. He didn’t spend long going down memory lane, however, because he had just noticed something.

Before, Andrew’s car would normally be bare and neat, save for a few things here and there Nicky would leave behind by accident. Now, however, there were a number of things that Neil did not recognize. There was a goalie helmet in the back, as well as a racquet. There was also an unmarked black box sitting on one of the backseats, and a cheesy pair of dice with Andrew’s initials hung from the rear view mirror. Neil wondered who exactly talked Andrew into leaving that up. He doubted even he could convince the man to not tear something like that down.

Andrew, once in the driver’s seat, followed his line of sight. He didn’t say anything, even though Neil was positive Andrew knew he was curious.

The car started and purred to life. Feeling the familiar vibrations under him, Neil let himself relax. This could be good. Spending a week with Andrew didn’t sound too bad; after all they spent four years together. What would one little week hurt?

“Hodges talked to me into it,” Andrew suddenly said, driving out of the parking lot.

Neil made a noise of confusion, too caught up in his own thoughts to follow what Andrew was saying.

“The dice. Hodges gave it as a gift.”

Hodges.

“Hodges?” Neil feigned confusion over who that was.

Andrew shot him a look before looking back at the road, “A striker on my team. Wouldn’t leave me alone until I accepted a gift.”

“A pair of dice is an awful gift,” Neil said.

“Yeah,” Andrew agreed.

More silence. It ate away at Neil’s insides for a while. He wasn’t sure what to converse about or whether Andrew was even interested in having a conversation. He had just pretended to not know one of Andrew’s teammates, which sounded suspicious considering the day the blond had gotten his offer to join the team, Neil had done a bunch of research on them and their plays.

“How’d you even know I was in the hospital?” Neil asked, playing with his seatbelt.

Andrew told him that he’d been in town for a few days, but didn’t elaborate beyond that. Why did he drive so many hours just to be in Virginia? One of Neil’s teammates, Nicole, from almost the very beginning of meeting him had known about his relationship with Andrew. Unfortunately, she did not know that the two no longer spoke, and so called Andrew, informing him of Neil’s state.

Neil couldn’t deny that it gave him a little bit of a thrill that Andrew showed up. He was feeling so many emotions, he couldn’t exactly pinpoint whether he was happy that Andrew was there or uncomfortable. One minute he would sneak glances at the man as he talked and the next he would turn up the volume of the radio so that Andrew would take the hint to remain silent.

They were hours away from New York, but the two were used to long car rides. From Virginia it took them around eight or nine hours to reach their destination, but Andrew refused to let Neil drive. At the stops they took, they ate in silence, often opting to eat as they drove. At a few points, Neil even fell asleep as his exhaustion outweighed his discomfort.

He woke up to Andrew nudging his shoulder. With a start, he realized they were in an underground parking lot. When he got out, the air was cool and felt nice against the little bits of exposed skin he had. It also felt amazing to stretch out his muscles.

Once Neil had shut the car door, Andrew locked the car and began walking towards where the elevators were. Neil followed and they began to ride up to the 28th floor. Andrew was tapping at his phone, standing on the other end of the elevator.

“I’m ordering food,” The goalie said without looking up. “What do you want?”

“Whatever you want,” Neil automatically replied. He had never been a picky eater thanks to his time on the run with his mom.

“McDonalds it is.” Andrew answered.

Neil knew Andrew made a lot of money, but just from what he had seen so far, he knew the building was extremely expensive. The car park had been full of fancy, shiny cars and everything, including the elevator, was polished and upscale-looking.

When he entered Andrew’s apartment, he was almost taken aback by how nice everything was. Back when Neil used to visit him, the man had lived in a different apartment, much smaller than this one. This one, however, had giant art pieces on the wall and had an open concept. There was one wall that was entirely glass and Neil could see the New York that inspired so many people.

Everything was sparkling and had it’s own neat place to go, but it looked unlived in. Andrew was a very hygienic and neat person, so the state of the apartment wasn’t unusual, but Neil couldn’t help but think the man didn’t spend much time here. In what world would Andrew care about art pieces?

“Nicky decorated it,” Andrew explained, once more reading his thoughts. “He wouldn’t leave until I gave him permission.”

Neil nodded even though Andrew had turned to face away from him. The man threw his keys on the glass dining table and began making his way to the kitchen. He informed Neil the food would be here in less than 15 minutes and began to pour himself some water.

As he did this, Neil walked further into the apartment and tried to inspect the art pieces rather than the blond. He sat down on the sofa awkwardly and began to fiddle with the hem of his hoodie, unsure of what to do. He didn’t have anything else with him. Before leaving the hospital, Andrew had told him he had some of his clothes at his apartment, so there hadn’t been any need for them to stop by Neil’s place.

By the time the food arrived, Andrew had turned on the TV and they were both watching re-runs of some comedy show about Brooklyn cops that neither one of them particularly cared for. However, the way it filled the stifling silence was welcome.

They ate quietly, and at one point it looked like Andrew wanted to say something to Neil. He had paused in the middle of eating and had looked at him for a few seconds, but when Neil met his eyes, Andrew’s gaze had shifted back to the TV.

Once they were done eating, Andrew told him that he could have the spare bedroom.

“There’s a bathroom attached,” He said. “Whatever you need is there. If you want something, get it yourself. I’m going to sleep.”

With that, the goalie threw out his trash and walked away, leaving Neil to stare at his back.

Neil sighed and got up from the sofa. He picked up his portion of the garbage and threw it away before finding the bedroom Andrew had been talking about. He found his clothes neatly folded on the bed and quickly changed into them. Too lazy to shower after such a long day, he merely brushed his teeth and washed his face.

Lying in bed, he wondered what he was doing here.


	2. Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for anyone curious about the timeline:  
> \- for the first half of neil's fifth year, everything was fine  
> \- half way, they stopped driving/flying out to see one another  
> \- by the 8th month, andrew began ignoring neil's calls  
> \- for the rest of this year, they talked less and less frequently  
> \- for the following year, neil graduated and joined a new team and the two stopped talking all together
> 
> neil considers them to have broken up for about year and a half

The next day Neil had woken in the early afternoon. The blinds covering the massive floor-to-ceiling window managed to mute most of the harsh rays of the sun, although unfortunately the room was still far too brightly lit for him to peacefully drift back to sleep.

He buried his face deeper into his pillow and wrapped the warm blanket tighter around his frame. The pillowcase smelled like the detergent Andrew used to use back at Palmetto and Neil indulged himself. Later, he would be ashamed to admit he had imagined he was three years younger, waiting for the goalkeeper to come back to their bed.

When the smell of bacon hit his nose, however, he was motivated to unfurl his limbs. He tossed the covers off and scratched his stomach as he yawned. After stretching and hearing some satisfying cracks, he rolled out of bed. Normally, he wouldn’t be bothered to check his reflection in the mirror, but something about the fact that he had to face Andrew made him want to look presentable.

He brushed his teeth and took a quick shower. After spending a few minutes trying to tame his wild hair, he gave up and quickly ran his fingers through it to flatten it. He wasn’t successful in the least. After changing into a plain white t-shirt and sweatpants, he made his way to the kitchen.

The kitchen was all glossy white cabinets and stainless steel appliances. There was a center island, also white, that almost painfully reflected the glare of the sun. Andrew stood by the stove in a tight black t-shirt and an equally tight pair of black jeans. His back was to Neil and he was tending to what was most likely bacon.

Seeing Andrew cooking for him made Neil’s heart flutter, although he tried to smother this feeling as fast as he could. With more than a little bit of last night’s awkwardness lingering, he wasn’t sure what to do with his body. Instead of sitting on an island barstool, he opted to stand by it. That felt intensely terrible, so he hopped on to one and put his hands in his lap, feeling like he was in elementary school, waiting for his teacher to call his name.

He watched Andrew turn off the stove and add bacon to two plates. When he brought them over, Neil could see that there were also eggs in them. Shortly after, Andrew came back with two more plates teetering with pancakes this time.

Seeing Neil’s bewildered expression, Andrew scowled, “Close your mouth. Even you could mix some ingredients.”

With a smile threatening to break across his face, Neil replied, “You used to have ice-cream for breakfast.”

“I still do.”

“You once tried to cook an egg and almost burned down the building.”

“That was the intent,” Andrew clarified. Quietly, he added, “I’ve taken up cooking recently.”

Neil finally allowed a small smile, “I can see that.”

The blond hummed in response and stood across from him on the other side of the island. He picked up a piece of bacon and began to eat. Neil followed his lead and they ate in silence. By the time they were done, Neil felt sleepy again, but he was still curious. Andrew used to hate cooking. He always ordered in, ate out, or stole other people’s food from the dorm fridge.

 _I guess things change_ , he thought. Although, maybe not all change meant something negative. Neil wasn’t sure how to process all this. He couldn’t help but wonder what else had changed about Andrew – he still looked the same and still talked the same. The more and more Neil thought about changes, though, a sinking feeling grew in his stomach.

Back when his mother was alive, change was inevitable in his life. His hair was always changing, as were his eyes. He’d been Stefan and Alex and he’d lived in cities all over America, so why was change so hard to deal with now? He had grown comfortable with his life in Palmetto, and watching the Foxes leave one by one had been hard on him. Andrew leaving had been like a punch to the gut, but if that felt like a punch to the gut, seeing that Andrew had changed in ways he didn’t know about felt like a bullet.

Andrew had gone on and carved out a new life for himself. He had a new city and a new team and new habits and he may or not have a new Neil.

Neil hated it when he began to think like this.

He still wasn’t sure he had a place in Andrew’s life anymore. Still, he wondered, why was he here then? What had Andrew been doing all the way in Virginia? Why had he agreed to check up on him when they hadn’t so much as talked in a year? All these questions made him dizzy.

A finger snapped in front of his face, and Neil realized Andrew had been trying to get his attention for some time now. The look on the man’s face was irritated, but Neil could see some concern there, too.

“Exactly how hard did you hit your head when you fainted?” Andrew asked dryly.

Neil frowned, “Shut up.”

Andrew raised his eyebrows and turned back to his food, unimpressed.

Once they were done eating, before Neil could get up and put away his dirty dishes, Andrew had reached over and grabbed them. There weren’t that many, so the blond quickly washed and dried them and put them away. Neil didn’t look away once. He swore Andrew looked pleased at this.

When that was settled, the two migrated to the main living area. Neil was feeling significantly more comfortable now and so lifted his feet onto the sofa and sat with his legs folded and a pillow placed in his lap. He fidgeted with the ends of it as Andrew sat on the other end of the same sofa, absently watching the TV.

“You’re going to do exactly what I tell you to do this week,” Was how the goalie started, still facing the TV. “You’re shit at taking care of yourself, and I promised your coach you wouldn’t die on him and leave him a striker short.”

Neil wanted to protest, but he let Andrew continue.

“You’re going to eat what I tell you to eat and you will sleep at least eight hours every night. If you’re going on a run, tell me beforehand – _and keep your phone on_ ,” He shot the auburn haired man a dirty look when he said this.

Neil shrugged, “You don’t reply anyways.”

There was an uncomfortable beat of silence, and Neil was really, really beginning to hate these pauses between them. It made him want to rip out his own hair in frustration. Why did he have to say that? Why bring up old wounds right now?

Andrew blinked and turned to look at him. He stared at him in silence when he opened his mouth and said, “I’m sorry.”

Neil stopped fidgeting. He moved his whole body to face the other man.

Andrew’s face was blank and his gaze was unwavering as he continued, “I better not wake up one day and find you missing, Josten, or I swear to god I’ll make you–”

Neil cut him off, “You’re sorry?”

Andrew made a noise of frustration and jerkily nodded. He also had shifted at this point, facing Neil and mirroring the way he was sitting. They each had their backs to the opposite arms of the sofa.

The blond took a deep breath and spoke slowly, like he was choosing his words carefully, “I should have answered. I’m trying to make that right.”

Neil didn’t know what to say, but he could feel anger beginning to simmer within him. Why was Andrew apologizing now? Neil couldn’t even count the amount of times he had called the man only for the phone to ring for minutes on end. Or how many times Andrew had declined his calls. Or cut their conversations short.

Neil made a move to get up, but Andrew twitched and reached out like he wanted to stop Neil in his tracks. Seeing this, Neil paused and slowly sank back on to the couch.

He took a deep breath and asked in low tone, “What exactly are you saying right now?”

Andrew didn’t answer for a long time and just when Neil was about to get up and leave once more, Andrew asked, “Yes or no?”

Neil’s breath caught. He hadn’t heard those words in a long time. Feeling vulnerable under Andrew’s searching gaze, he nodded without words. Andrew moved closer to him until their knees were almost touching. When fingertips touched his jaw, Neil’s eyes fluttered shut. His breath hitched and he shivered, feeling goosebumps erupt all over his skin. He didn’t even notice he was leaning into the touch.

“Neil.”

When he heard the man breathe out his name, Neil slowly opened his eyes and found himself staring into Andrew’s hazel ones. The man’s face was closer to his now and the sunlight behind his head lit up his curly hair like a halo. Neil’s fingers twitched as he fought the need to touch the golden locks.

Andrew’s trailing fingers retreated before he cupped Neil’s jaw with his palm. The hand on his face was warm and the thumb brushing his cheek was rough from handling exy racquets. Neil had dreamed of Andrew’s tenderness.

“I’m sorry,” Andrew repeated in a quiet voice. “I made the wrong call.” When Neil didn’t reply, he continued, “I want you to give me a try again. Neil?” He waited until their eyes met once more. “Can we try this again?”

Saying this must have been really hard for Andrew, Neil knew. The goalkeeper had always had a hard time speaking his mind or expressing what he was feeling, especially considering he didn’t have as much experience with emotions as others. He must have been thinking about this for months.

Neil tried to stutter out a sentence, but he couldn’t come up with something that accurately articulated what he wanted to say.

When he still hadn’t been able to say anything, Andrew added, “You can say no.”

“No– No, I mean–” When Andrew’s face twitched, Neil desperately tried to come up with the right words, but he was having trouble ungluing his tongue from the roof of his mouth. “I mean yes. Yes. Let’s– uh, let’s try this.” His heart was threatening to pound out of his chest.

What was happening? Neil knew what Andrew was asking of him, but why? He thought the man was long over him, given the radio silence. Andrew was a fighter and if he wanted Neil in his life, he would have fought for him. He would have face-timed him or gotten in his car or on a plane to see him. He would have called him junkie and kissed him and then shoved his face away, telling him to _stop being stupid_.

What had changed Andrew’s mind? Why now of all times? Andrew had left for Virginia before Neil’s accident, so what had he been doing there? Had he been on his way to see Neil anyway? Or had there been some other reason? Neil tried to come up with answers, but came up short.

Andrew’s hand was no longer cupping his face and his skin felt cold without the touch. Hazel eyes were still locked with his, and when Andrew let out a breath, Neil could have sworn he saw a hint of relief on the blond’s face. He used to be better at reading Andrew’s face, but he was thankful for the opportunity to re-learn how to.

Suddenly Andrew looked at the clock, which read 2:30pm, and began to get up. He motioned for Neil to get up as well, and the auburn-haired man followed him to the master bedroom. Clothes were thrown at him, all black, and when Neil took a shirt off his head, he recognized the clothes as the ones Andrew had bought him ages ago.

“We’re going out,” Andrew explained, digging through his closet. “Get changed.”

Neil tried not to look at the muscles of Andrew’s back, and instead nodded once and left the room quickly, wanting to give the blond privacy. In his own room, Neil got changed into his clothes and attempted once more to fix his hair. When that didn’t work, he pushed it back and went back to the main living area where Andrew was already waiting for him, wearing a black turtleneck and dark pants with a grey coat on top.

Soon after Neil had his coat on, they were in the Maserati and were off to an unknown destination. As they drove, he couldn’t help but sneak glances at Andrew the entire time. The blond looked so good driving, and he couldn’t help but stare. He looked so confident, so focused and serious that it made Neil want to reach over and touch his face. Or him arms. Maybe Neil had a thing for Andrew’s arms.

After a while of driving, Neil realized they were headed for the stadium he had only ever seen through face-time sessions with Andrew. He was suddenly excited and couldn’t wait to see how it looked in person. He doubted the blond would let him play, but he tried anyway.

“Can we?” He tried to ask like he didn’t care what the answer would be.

Andrew interpreted his vague question correctly and didn’t bother giving a reply.

As they entered the stadium, Neil tried his best not to run off and head straight for the court. He was practically buzzing in his skin, but for the next hour or so, Andrew kept a tight leash on him. He was given a personal tour of the stadium as well as of the inside part for the athletes. It had been less than two days since he last played, but he was itching to grab a racquet.

Andrew had almost looked amused by all of his excited comments, however, when the lights of the stadium had all lit up one by one, the man couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes at Neil’s quiet gasp.

They were now sitting in the lounge area where athletes could sit down and relax or watch something on the large flat-screen TV mounted on the wall. Neil had taken a seat on the smallest sofa, and was secretly pleased that Andrew sat next to him.

Instead of an exy game, the TV played re-runs of a 90s show, and this was because Andrew could only take so much of that dreaded game before he snapped. Neil was unfamiliar with the show, but after watching it for a few minutes and not laughing once, he decided he hadn’t missed out on much.

He instead focused his attention on Andrew and was startled to see the goalkeeper already looking him. Andrew normally preferred to be clean-shaven, but by now he looked like he hadn’t shaved in a few days and Neil was overcome with the desire to feel the rough bristles scrape against his skin.

Back at Palmetto, Andrew had only once not shaved and Neil couldn’t forget that day even if he wanted to. Almost immediately, he had asked for permission and kissed him until the man had him backed up against a wall. They had spent the night together, with Andrew between his thighs. He could still feel the slight sting of the blond’s growing beard dragging along his sensitive skin. Afterwards, seeing the bruises and thin, pink-ish lines on his legs had made him flush in embarrassment.

The thought of that night made Neil’s jeans feel tighter. He shifted, desperately wishing he had something to cover his lap.

“So,” Neil tried to find something new to talk about. “How’s everything with the new team?”

Andrew stared at him, exasperated at Neil’s small talk, “No one’s dead."

Neil nodded, “Good.” When Andrew looked irritated, he casually added, “Do you like any of them?”

The blond didn’t _like_ people, Neil knew that, but he wasn’t sure what to say.

Andrew's jaw twitched, “Stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop talking to me like–” Andrew took a deep breath to calm himself down. “Stop talking to me like we’re strangers.”

Neil’s nerves sparked, “Lately, we are, though, aren’t we?”

“Not with what we have.”

Neil tried not to let his anger get the best of him. He’d already snapped at Andrew once and he didn’t want to do it again. The man told him he wanted to try again, so the red-head knew he needed to let go of his residual anger. He just couldn’t help it. Whenever he thought back to how Andrew stopped responding to him and cut him out of his life, he wanted to punch something. 

“We didn’t have _anything_ , remember?” Neil remarked snidely, unable to shut his mouth.

Andrew’s jaw clenched as he gritted out a warning, “Abram.”

“No, no,” Neil could feel his face heating up. “Fuck you, Andrew.”

Andrew’s body language was tense and he held the arm of the sofa in a tight grip. His jaw was clenched and there was a fire in his eyes that only added further fuel to Neil’s.

And Neil couldn’t stop himself, “I don’t know shit about you anymore, and once again you’re locking me out. We can barely hold a conversation anymore, so how the hell do you expect this to work? Of all the things you changed, would it have killed you to learn how to hold a conversation?”

“Neil. _Stop.”_ Andrew growled and got up from his seat. He stalked to other side of the room and ran his fingers through his hair. Neil suspected the man put the distance there to minimize the chances of punching him, but he couldn’t care less anymore.

They continued to stare at one another with angry heat. Finally, Andrew snapped and with stiff shoulders, he made his way out of the lounge area.

Neil stayed behind a few more moments, letting himself cool down. He wasn’t even angry anymore, just exhausted. The fight had drained out of him and he felt like lying down and sleeping for the next century. His face was still hot, but at least he wasn’t crying.

After counting to a hundred in French, he got up and began to make his way out of the room. He passed by an employee mopping the floor and ignored the look he got. Clearly the custodian had seen Andrew in all his rage.

He walked out to the parking lot, putting on his sunglasses and hat along the way. Again, he became painfully aware of the scars on his cheeks. Although they still bothered him, now he mostly just hated how recognizable they made him to the public.

He found Andrew leaning against the driver side of the car. He had his own sunglasses on, and he was smoking a cigarette. The expression on his face was blank, but Neil could tell he was still bothered by their argument by the slight tremble of his fingers.

Andrew didn’t spare him a look. He blew out a steady stream of smoke as Neil slid into the passenger seat. After a few more minutes, Andrew dropped the cigarette and put it out with his shoe. He slammed the door as he got into the car and started it without even so much as a glance or word to Neil.

They sat in silence as they made their way back to Andrew’s apartment. Neil’s mind was racing with thoughts of booking a plane ticket and heading back to his own home. Maybe he could go visit Dan and Matt in Washington for his break. Or maybe Allison, who also lived in New York, would welcome him for a few days. He definitely wouldn’t be heading to Houston, where Kevin was.

When they were in the basement parking, Neil moved to get out of the car, but a hand enclosed his wrist tightly, forcing him to stop and turn to face Andrew – Andrew, who was staring at him so intensely, Neil’s heart skipped a beat. It didn’t matter how angry he got at the blond, he couldn’t help but want him.

Andrew took a few deep breaths before saying, “Stay. Give me this one week to change your mind.”

Neil stayed silent, even though on the inside he wanted to forgive the blond already. He knew things were far from fixed between them. He may be calm now, but it was only a matter of time before one of their endless amount of problems came up again.

No matter how much Neil cared for the goalkeeper, it was hard to get over what had happened between them. Andrew had been the first person he had ever trusted besides his mother, and after being abandoned by him, doubts of their relationship ever lasting plagued his mind.

One minute he felt hot and the next he felt cold. Just earlier he had snapped at Andrew and dug up some old wounds unnecessarily. He knew that there had been something special between himself and the blond. They had fought for one another, taken care of one another, trusted one another, and had made promises to one other. But, Neil, in a fit of anger, had thrown Andrew’s inability to express his emotions back in his face.

Neil swallowed around the lump in his throat and jerkily nodded.

“I need words, Neil,” Andrew said quietly.

“The irony of that statement,” Neil smirked a little but the look on Andrew’s face wiped it off. “I’ll give us one week, but we need to talk first.” When Andrew didn’t look like he was going to protest, he continued, “Let’s get some coffee.”

Andrew nodded once and re-started the car.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> to be completely honest, this whole thing was inspired by listening to here we go again by demi lovato :/


	3. Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if there are any mistakes let me know!

They stopped at the first place that didn’t look like it belonged to a chain. It was small and seemed to look quiet, which was rare to find. Among New York’s abundance of bright lights, honking, and busy streets, this was a gem and felt like a warm hug when they entered. Neil hadn’t made up his mind about how he felt about the hustle and bustle of the city just yet, but maybe he could learn to love the quieter parts like this. He was getting ahead of himself.

The old man behind the counter looked startled to see them, clearly being an exy fan, but thankfully didn’t ask them for anything besides their order. Once Neil got his black coffee and Andrew had his hazelnut latte, they made their way to the booth furthest from the door and also the most private.

The shop was decorated in warm colours, with beige walls, and wood the colour of ground coffee. If it hadn't already been obvious that the owner was an exy fan, Neil would've known by spotting the countless amount of signed exy sticks that adorned the walls. One particular one signed _Joseph Mueller_  in a messy scrawl caught his eye immediately. There was a line of deep red, shiny booths lining one wall that was unfortunately mostly window. Fortunately, however, the window by the last booth was mostly covered by a giant sticker of the diner’s logo on the outside, allowing for plenty of privacy. There weren’t many people inside, but there was enough chatter to leave Neil comfortable enough to talk.

They chose to sit on opposite ends of the booth, directly in front of one another. Neil curled his cold hands around his cup, and Andrew mirrored his body language. As Neil took a quiet sip, Andrew observed him, waiting for him to start the conversation. Neil hummed, looking for the right words. During their drive, he had run over a countless amount of sentences in his head, but nothing satisfied what he wanted to say. He had so many questions to ask, but he also didn’t want to scare the blond away.

“Andrew,” Neil tried to be as straight forward as possible, fingering the lid of his cup. “I think we’re both aware that if we want something to come out of this week, there needs to be change,” He didn’t meet Andrew’s eyes. When the man didn’t interrupt, he continued, “I understand– I know who you are and that’s something that I would never want to change about you, but…but you need to give me _something_.”

There was a beat before Andrew nodded and took a sip.

Neil took a moment to collect his thoughts once more and started again, “When you left Palmetto, I struggled. I learned the hard way that I depend on you too much and maybe that’s something I should work on– But, you drew away from me– you flat out ignored me,” Neil felt like a dam had broken inside his chest and he couldn’t stop the flooding. “You never even explained to me why you did what you did. What? Did you decide that you no longer cared? That’s what I wondered most. I mean, how else was I supposed to feel?”

Andrew slowly nodded throughout all this. When Neil had been quiet for a few seconds, he finally opened his mouth, “I was avoiding you.”

“You were avoiding me.” Neil repeated dumbly. Even though he knew this was true, he was still taken aback to hear it admitted so plainly.

The blond elaborated when he saw the look on Neil’s face, “Years ago, I called you a pipe dream. That never changed.”

It had pained Andrew to say this, Neil knew. The sheer fact that he had forced himself to say this showed just how much the man wanted them to work. That sentence alone was the equivalent of Andrew ripping out his bloody, throbbing heart and presenting it to the world to criticize. Something released inside Neil, and he couldn’t find the right word to describe the feeling of both happiness and sorrow in his heart.

Just like Andrew said, years ago, back when they’d barely been adults, Andrew had looked at him and scornfully called him a pipe dream. To Andrew, he had been an impossibility, something unattainable and out of reach. Throughout his entire life, the blond had been dealt the worst hand possible. He spent years in the foster system, fending for himself against abusive and cruel foster families. He had learned just how harsh and cold the world was, and had hardened himself as a result. He didn’t expect things from anyone anymore, and that included Neil.

When he had found out about Aaron, before he could even truly process having a twin he never knew about, Aaron had of his had been ripped out of his hands and into Drake’s. Drake had held it over him, used it against him, forcing him to distant himself from the one thing in his life that may not have been a disappointment. Drake had already captured Cass, the only woman Andrew had ever loved at that point, and Andrew couldn’t let him have Aaron too.

Out of necessity and panic, he had kept his brother at a distance. He had protected Nicky, too, regardless of the consequences he would have to face as a result of it. When a defeated Kevin had come to him, Andrew, no matter how much he would scoff when someone said this, had helped him. And when Neil, bruised and battered and runaway Neil, had come into his life, Andrew had given him a key and told him to stay.

It wasn’t right to say that Andrew never gave, it was just that Andrew was too scared to _take._ He had never been allowed to want anything, because, if he did, it would always came back to hurt him. This was a lesson he had learned before he could even tie his own shoelaces. Every good in his life would eventually rot, is what he had been forced to swallow and internalize.

Although Neil dealt with his own fair share of insecurities at times, it was important to remember Andrew had his own. The man rarely opened up, if it all, making Neil want envelope him in his arms right now. Andrew was the strongest person Neil had ever had the pleasure of knowing, and he couldn’t entirely blame him for his distance. Given his past, Andrew had gotten it into his head that he needed to let Neil go before things soured, and Neil should have prepared for this. He shouldn’t have just sat back and watched them get destroyed.

“You could have told me,” He said.

Andrew almost looked vulnerable. The two sat there in silence, but for the first time it didn’t feel suffocating. Silence between them was normal and comfortable, and once more it felt like that. Neil playfully nudged Andrew’s legs with his foot, biting back a smile. Andrew didn’t return it but he nudged right back. Soon, they were in a battle together and the corners of Andrew’s mouth were twitching into something that resembled a smile.

Neil’s heart felt full, and he was tempted to lean forward and grab Andrew’s hands. Instead, he began to discuss the real reason that they had come here.

“You can’t do that anymore,” Neil said. “If something’s bothering you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to approach me about it. It’s just as annoying to me as my habit of running was to you.”

Andrew gave him an unamused look.

He carried on, _“Call me,_ Andrew. When we’re not together, I need you to call me and I need to know you’re there. You don’t have to speak every thought in your head…just don’t shut me out. I don’t think I could go through that again.”

Andrew made a noise a noise of agreement and when Neil raised his eyebrows, he cleared his throat and said, “I understand. I’ll try.”

By the time that they were done with their drinks, most of the diner had emptied. The music playing overhead was soft and set a warm mood. Some time between their comfortable silence, Andrew’s legs had extended under the table and entangled with Neil’s. Since their location hid their faces from the view of other customers as well from the people walking on the sidewalk, they went uninterrupted.

They collected their empty cups and threw them out on their way out. It was raining and neither of them had anything to cover their heads with, so they walked as quickly as they could to the car. The temperature was chilly and Neil was re-thinking the run he had planned for the next morning. Not much could stop him from going for a run, but maybe icy sidewalks would.

Once they were in the safety of the Maserati, Andrew quickly turned on the heater. Due to the time of year, it got dark quickly, and inside the safety of the car, they looked like shadows to one another. Rain pelted against the glass and slid down, distorting the colours of the street lights around them. With the world muffled and tucked away, a yearning to touch Andrew rose in Neil.

“I’m glad we did this.”

Andrew nodded and quietly replied, “I’m glad, too.” There was a pause, before, “Yes or no?”

Neil’s breath caught and he couldn’t say yes fast enough. Andrew reached over for his hand and held it in his own with a kind of tenderness that made Neil melt. Calloused skin brushed against his own before Andrew laced their fingers together. He tugged on their hands, giving Neil the hint to lean forward.

Neil moved closer and almost gasped when he felt the warm puff of Andrew’s breath on his cheek. He was overcome with the need to move around and straddle the blond, but he controlled himself, wanting to soak in Andrew’s softness for just a little bit longer.

The first kiss was more like a brush of their lips. The world faded away to a faint buzz, and when they pulled apart, Neil dove back in and captured Andrew’s lips in own once more. He kissed the man again and again, drawing out moans that both drugged and heightened his senses. Strong, thick fingers knotted in his hair, pulling, tugging, drawing him closer. They breathed each other in, only ever coming up for air. Moaning into one another’s mouths, they held each other like the world was ending.

Neil pulled back with a wet sound and nipped at the blond’s jaw, flicking his tongue at it. He kissed down the man’s throat and sucked at the soft skin, trying to leave as many love-bites as he could get away with. The grip on his hair tightened and Andrew forced his head to pull back. Being manhandled gave Neil a small thrill and his eyes automatically closed shut. His skin prickled sensitively as he felt Andrew’s heavy gaze settle on his swollen mouth.

After a breath, Neil opened his eyes. He was hard in jeans, desperately wanting to squeeze himself for some relief. When he reached down, Andrew gripped his wrist, giving him a look that said _be patient_. When Neil no longer looked like he was going to combust if he didn’t touch himself, Andrew let go of him and moved into a driving position.

The entire ride home, Andrew had driven with one hand on the wheel and the other settled on Neil’s thigh. The heat of his palm felt searing even through the thick of his jeans, and Neil tried his best not wiggle. Whenever he moved too much, Andrew would squeeze his thigh in warning.

By the time they reached home, Neil almost felt embarrassed at his state of arousal. Ever since Andrew showed up in his life again, he had begun to feel things that he had almost forgotten. There was no one else in the world that Neil had ever been so attracted to both before and after meeting the blond. Even masturbation didn’t work. Nothing worked, not until Andrew was added to the equation.

After shedding their coats and toeing off their shoes and socks, Andrew once more encircled Neil’s wrist tightly and practically dragged him towards the master bedroom. He shoved Neil in the direction of the bed and closed the door without looking at it. He didn’t move a muscle as he watched the auburn haired man sit on the bed and lean back on his elbows in a suggestive pose.

They both knew where this was going, and Neil felt like prey under Andrew’s predatory gaze. The goalkeeper’s stoic personality was always a point of attractiveness for Neil, but he couldn’t deny that he also derived pleasure from drawing reactions out of him. Even though Andrew’s face was void of any emotion right now, Neil could easily read him. He knew how the way he was laid out was affecting Andrew.

Neil didn’t know exactly when the other man moved, but suddenly his feet were being kicked apart. The blond dropped and settled between his legs, placing his hands on either one of Neil’s thighs. He squeezed, and Neil could feel himself throbbing in his pants. Practiced and efficient, Andrew worked him out of them, unbuckling and unzipping them in record time. Neil raised his butt to help get his jeans and underwear off, and soon enough he was half lying down in just a shirt.

Andrew met his eyes briefly before he flickered them down and settled them on Neil’s cock. There was hunger in his eyes, making the member throb and twitch. Andrew’s calloused hand gripped the base loosely and worked itself up and down. The friction was a little rough, but soon enough he ducked his head and swallowed down the tip. Neil hissed at the wet heat and moved his hips up, sliding his cock further in.

The blond let go of the mushroom head with a pop and began to lick at the rest of it, letting it get sloppy. The slurping sounds only added to Neil’s arousal, and he could feel himself approaching his peak. Andrew worked his fist up and down Neil’s cock as he bobbed his head. He sucked and licked and kissed, getting faster with every moan Neil let out. When the jerking of Neil’s hips got too much, he gripped them tight enough to leave bruises. Hands occupied, he swallowed down the rest of Neil’s cock, burying his nose in auburn curls.

“Fuck– _Fuck!_ Andrew, Andrew–” Neil threw his head back as he came. His hips jerked wildly despite Andrew’s hold on them. He pumped his cock down the blond’s throat, gripping and pulling at the bed sheets tightly. When the last of his load was swallowed, Andrew continued to suck and lick at his softening member, only letting go when he was satisfied.

When Andrew looked up at him, Neil softly hissed in a breath through his teeth. He reached down and wiped some of the cum off the corner of the blond’s mouth, who turned his head and sucked the lingering thumb into his mouth. Neil’s dick twitched again, but thankfully didn’t get hard.

As Neil calmed down his breathing, he let himself fall on to his back. He shut his eyes and relaxed his muscle as he listened the sound of Andrew shuffling around. When he opened his eyes and sat back up, he saw the man had gotten up and was now standing between his legs now, unzipping his pants.

“Can I?” Neil asked for permission, motioning towards Andrew’s groin.

The blond shook his head, “Just stay still. Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Neil didn’t think he could ever say no to Andrew when he looked like that.

He licked his lips as he watched the man push down his jeans and underwear to his thighs and take out his cock. The head of it was a few mere inches away from Neil’s face, who fought off the urge to lean forward and take it in his mouth. Andrew worked his hand up and down, before thrusting his hips a bit forward.

“Spit on it,” He growled.

Neil blinked but obliged. He watched Andrew use his spit as lube and felt his own cock twitch again. The blond’s eyes were trained on his face, and Neil could tell he was close by the way he was beginning to breathe a little harder.

Just as he was about to come, Andrew moved his cock closer to Neil’s faced and rubbed the head against his lips in a way that asked for entrance. When Neil opened his mouth and welcomed him in, Andrew only let the tip sit on his tongue. He began to pump his cock faster and faster before his body jerked. He came in Neil’s mouth in spurts, groaning deeply with his eyes shut and brows furrowed.

When he was finished, he took out his cock and kept eye contact with Neil as pulled up his boxers and tucked his cock back in. He shoved off his jeans, and pushed at Neil’s shoulder, indicating he wanted Neil to move back. As Andrew picked up their clothes and put them away on a nearby chair, Neil crawled back on the bed and took off his shirt. He lied on top of the covers and waited for Andrew to come join him. He was tired but not too tired thanks to the coffee. Plus, he wanted to stay awake a little longer.

They’d had a long day. It had been a rollercoaster of emotions, but they were in a much better place now. Neil was now sure that he wanted their relationship to work. He had been assured that the blond wanted him back, and so everything was perfect. They would make it.

They lay facing one another that night, just a few inches of space between their bodies. Andrew had asked him to talk and when Neil had whispered ‘ _About what?’_ Andrew had replied _‘Anything’._ Taking the hint, Neil talked about a restaurant Allison had told him about that was in New York and how he wanted to go there while he was here. He rambled about what was going on in Matt and Dan’s life and how they’d just gotten engaged a few months ago. When he had run through all the Foxes’ lives post-Palmetto, he talked about his new team. Andrew listened patiently, staring at Neil’s face. Halfway through the jumble of words, he began to absently play with Neil’s hand. He replied whenever Neil asked him any questions and eventually even offered up information about what he had been up to recently.

They gradually moved closer to one another and began to share kisses between their words. Their legs tangled together, even though Andrew complained about Neil’s cold toes. Just as Neil’s eyes began to get heavy, though, Andrew had threatened him into getting up and brushing his teeth. Obviously, the blond had his limits about how sweet he could be in one night.

Soon, they were both ready for bed and tucked underneath Andrew’s large comforter. When Neil settled a few inches away from him, the blond reached out and tugged him closer until he was tucked against his chest. He rested his chin on top Neil’s head and wrapped his arms around him. They fell asleep to the calming sound of rain.

The next morning Neil woke up to the sound of his phone buzzing. He was still nestled safely in Andrew’s arms, and, instead of answering his phone, opted to snuggle deeper into Andrew’s chest. This action woke up the blond, who tightened his arms around Neil for a few seconds before releasing him and reaching for the phone. He tossed it at Neil, who caught it with his face.

By now, the phone had stopped buzzing, but there were a series of text messages sent from Matt just minutes prior.

**Matt**

_u and andrew are back together??_

_10:43AM_

**Matt**

_why didn’t you tell me????_

_i thought we were friends_

_10:43AM_

**Matt**

_neil call me :(_

_10:44AM_

**Matt**

_[Link]_

The link led to an article that made Neil pause.

**COULD THIS BE THE END OF THE FAMOUS JOSTEN-MINYARD RIVALRY?**

With its obnoxious title, the article was full of crap. It detailed events of their interactions with one another during games both during their time at Palmetto and post-Palmetto. It was full of photos that showcased this rivalry of theirs, but it was full of even more ones of the two of them sitting in the diner they had been at last night. The pictures were grainy, but there was no doubt that in those photos it was Andrew and Neil. They were also a few of them walking in the rain together and getting in the same car, but due to the weather and lack of daylight, their faces could barely be seen.

Neil chewed on his bottom lip, trying to process how Andrew would react to this, if at all. They’d never been fans of PDA and with the way their relationship dynamic worked, especially in public, it wasn’t far-fetched for the public to believe they disliked one another. Neil may or may not have also mocked Andrew while giving interviews after games. He had never been good at making his jokes sound like jokes.

While they’d never been open about their relationship, they had never actively hid it either. They were just themselves, and the world perceived their relationship however they wanted to. They’d never had the conversation about publicly making their relationship known before either, and Neil had always thought it was because Andrew never cared enough to tell the world.

Andrew had been staring at his face the entire time he’d been scrolling through the article. He nodded towards the phone, silently asking Neil what he was looking at. Neil turned his phone so that Andrew could read the headline and see the photos. Throughout this, the goalkeeper’s face remained neutral. When he was done, he looked back at Neil with uncaring eyes.

“I’ll go make breakfast,” Andrew began to get out of bed. “Take a shower, Junkie. You stink.”

Neil snorted and stretched. Once Andrew had come out of the bathroom, he went in next and got ready for the day. By the time he was out, Andrew had laid down some clothes for him to wear. As he got ready, he heard the doorbell ring and the sound of the front door opening. Did Andrew order breakfast? Neil could admit he was a bit disappointed, as he’d been looking forward to cooking together. Well, he’d been looking forward to watching Andrew cook and stealing kisses from him.

He grabbed his phone and scrolled through the article once more as he walked towards the kitchen. Just as he was about to return Matt’s call, he noticed that there was somebody standing in the living room. He stared at the figure smiling at him.

“Neil,” Neil’s head snapped towards Andrew’s voice. “This is Derek. Derek,” Andrew tilted his head at Neil, “That's Neil.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!  
> i hope you liked this chapter lol  
> and as always, kudos and comments are always welcome!


	4. Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!! so sorry for updating so late im just super busy guys   
> updates are gonna be slow but the good news is i have the next chapter and a half done and this fic isn't likely to be longer than 6 or 7 chapters   
> hope you enjoy!

“Hi, there,” Derek introduced himself with a smile and got up to shake Neil’s hand.

Neil’s eyes flicked down to the hand extended towards him and then flicked back up to look at Andrew. The blond’s face was expressionless, giving away nothing, so Neil turned back to Derek, who was still looking at him expectantly.

Neil finally reached out and shook the man’s hand, only with a lot less enthusiasm. He tucked his phone in his back pocket, deciding to call Matt at a later time because _what was Derek doing here_? His mind was working fast and bombarding him with questions like _Did Derek visit Andrew often_? _Was Derek closer to Andrew than he thought_?

While Neil’s brain had been short-circuiting, Andrew had turned and left for the kitchen, leaving Neil with Derek in the main room. Andrew was too smart to not notice the tension in Neil’s shoulders, so clearly he knew something was up and had decided to not deal with it.

“Uh, so, Neil?” Derek awkwardly said, tugging at their hands.

Neil realized he had been clutching the man’s hand this entire time and quickly let go. He wiped his sweaty palm against his jeans, and looked at Andrew once more, who was pouring water into the coffee maker.

“Yeah. Neil. You’re Derek.”

Derek tilted his head slightly in confusion, still smiling, “Yeah. I’m Derek.”

Neil didn’t respond.

“So,” Derek dragged the word out, shifting his body, looking back and forth between Andrew and Neil, clearly sensing the weird atmosphere. “I’ve heard a lot about you, actually. Through Andrew, obviously.”

“A lot?” Neil raised his eyebrows, shooting the blond another look, who continued to ignore him. 

“Yeah!” Derek was far too enthusiastic for Neil right now. “Getting Andrew to talk is like pulling teeth. The first little while that I played with him, he would call me a worse striker than the one he played with last.”

_Andrew had talked about him?_

Derek misinterpreted his expression and began to backtrack, “Don’t worry, he wasn’t being serious! He’s just an ass sometimes, but I could tell he considers you a friend.”

“A friend?” Why was Neil having so much trouble putting together a sentence? He could practically hear Andrew rolling his eyes at him.

“Yeah, I’m naturally pretty good at reading people – Andrew was a tough cookie to crack, but I got there in the end!” Derek laughed. He pointed his thumb in the direction of the kitchen, indicating he wanted them to move there.

Neil followed, feeling small behind the large frame that was Derek Hodges. He made himself feel better by thinking of how Andrew’s neck must ache by looking up at him all the time. He wondered whether it infuriated Andrew or whether it turned him on.

He was getting ahead of himself. He didn’t even know if something had happened between the two – but Andrew seemed comfortable around the taller man. Neil had never caught on easy to things like this, so he wondered what he had missed. The half-hug between them was a bigger deal than most people would deem it to be. If Andrew would allow that kind of contact in public, would he allow more in private?

Neil really, really needed to stop thinking. His brain was working overdrive. Just last night, Andrew had opened up to him and soothed all the aches in his heart. They had talked and kissed and made promises to one another – so Neil needed to trust Andrew and stop feeding the hurt inside his chest. Still, he knew better than most how long it took wounds to heal. He hated feeling this way.

Derek and Andrew were now talking to one another. Andrew stood on one side of the island, where he was pouring coffee into three mugs, while Derek was sitting on the other side, letting his weight fall forward by placing his forearms on the counter. Their voices were low, but Neil could still make out what they were saying.

Derek was rambling, “Priya’s been talking about this new restaurant close to here that we should go to soon– it’s supposed to be one of those murder-mystery types where there’re actors who pull out random people– ”

Andrew cut him off, “No.”

“ _Andrew_ ,” Derek whined, pouting jokingly. “Please? For me?”

As a response, Andrew leaned forward and flicked his forehead, “It’s almost pitiful to see a grown man speak like this.”

Derek only rolled his eyes in response, smiling so wide you could see it in his eyes. They were blue and practically sparkling. In fact, his whole face seemed to be glowing as he looked at Andrew.

“Is it pitiful because I’m speaking like this, or is it pitiful because it reminds you of Nicky and that makes you miss him?” Derek snickered and dodged another one of Andrew’s flicks. “Scared of your own feelings, huh? Now _that’s_ pitiful!”

Andrew glared at him as he began to pour cream and sugar into his coffee. He seemed to remember Neil was also in the room and tilted his head, silently telling Neil to stop being a stranger.

Neil made his way over and took a seat on one of the barstools, leaving one between him and Derek. Go ahead, call him petty. His mind was warped right now by what he was witnessing, and he had the right to not be judged for his actions right now.

“Neil!” Derek turned the conversation over to him. “You and Andrew have known each for a long time now, right?”

“Yeah. Since freshman year at college, actually,” Neil said slowly.

Derek raised his eyebrows, “Wow, yeah, I still remember your championship game. Time flies, huh? That’s how many years ago? 6? 7?”

“A while, yeah,” Neil replied and slid a cup towards himself.

Derek watched him this entire time, looking interested in what he was doing. When Neil looked at him questioningly, he just shook his head and laughed, “Nothing, I just can’t believe you drink your coffee like that. Black coffee tastes like wet cardboard to me.”

Neil shrugged and took a quiet sip.

Andrew snorted, “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I have to agree with Derek on this one. There may be many things wrong with him, but this isn’t one of them.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you add more sugar than water to your coffee,” Neil snorted.

“Okay – yeah. Me too,” Derek gave Andrew a faux-concerned look. “This is unhealthy, Andrew. This is why your abs don’t look like mine.”

Neil swallowed the coffee in his mouth slowly, thinking. How would Derek know how Andrew looked without a shirt? They were one the same team together, he rationalized. It was more than normal for Derek to have seen Andrew’s body. The blond normally never liked anyone looking at him shirtless, but, over time, he had become more comfortable changing in front of others.

This was normal.

Andrew was looking at him now with an analytical look in his eyes. Whatever he was looking for, he clearly found because he was soon changing his posture. He stopped leaning towards Derek and instead simply stood straight as he drank.

“Anyway,” Derek said. “You’re probably wondering what the hell I’m doing here.” He smirked at Neil’s subtle _duh_ expression. “I was in the neighbourhood to get some bagels from this little bakery just across – ok, that doesn’t matter – but, yeah, I came here instead to invite Andrew out for brunch – or lunch now, I guess? Obviously, you can come too.”

“Thanks,” Neil tried to look sincere, but he was aware that he likely failed.

“So what do you say?” Derek turned to look at Andrew. “We could go to our usual place.”

Usual place.

For some reason, Andrew looked at him for an answer. When Neil didn’t immediately respond, he asked, “Are you feeling alright to go out?”

“Oh,” Derek looked genuinely concerned now. “Are you sick, or something? We could bring you back something,” Derek looked sheepish at the look Andrew shot him, “Or we could go when you feel better?”

“No, no,” Neil shook his head. “It’s fine, let’s go. I’m starving anyway.” He wasn’t really. He just didn’t want to feel like a burden to Andrew. Clearly the man was fond of Derek’s presence, or at least as fond as he was capable of being. Also, if he wanted to make them work, he needed to get to know more about the people in Andrew’s life. This could be a good opportunity.

Soon, they were all making their way to the car park. At first, Derek had gone straight for the passenger seat only for Andrew to snap his fingers in his direction and point towards the backseat. Despite Andrew’s rudeness, Neil felt his chest warm. Christ, he was so soft.

Once they were all piled in, Derek leaned forward from behind Neil and clamped his hand down on his shoulder, giving it a firm shake, “This one and his car, right?” He smiled when Neil craned his neck to look back at him, and then nodded at Andrew.

Neil nodded back, trying find the right words to use, “I would know.” He gained he wasn’t subtle by the eye-roll Andrew gave.

“He gave me the car,” Andrew explained, starting the car.

Derek made an impressed noise, “ _Fuck_ , you’re loaded, Neil. And generous too, it seems. If you’re ever looking to blow some money, look no further. I’ll happily be your sugar baby.”

“What the hell is a sugar baby?” Neil’s face scrunched up in confusion.

“You’re far too hideous to be anybody’s play-thing,” Andrew answered, ignoring Neil’s question.

“Rude,” Derek exclaimed from behind. “Anyway, Neil, did you know Andrew refuses to take the subway? He won’t even take taxis.”

Andrew made an irritated noise, “Both are filthy. Also, it’s better for everyone if I’m not approached by stick-ball fans.”

“Oh, please!” Derek snorted. “You’re not the only short blond guy in this city, you know? Put on a hat and some sunglasses and you’re ready to go.”

Neil jumped into the conversation, “Remember that time you told a fan you were Aaron?”

Andrew’s lips tugged upwards at the corners, “It was either that or telling them to fuck off.”

Neil grinned, “You told him to fuck off anyway.”

Andrew stole a glance at Neil quickly. His eyes were soft and Neil wanted to reach out and poke the dimple he could see peeking out.

 _See_? Neil thought to himself. It didn’t matter who Derek was to Andrew, because at the end of the day what he had with Andrew was special. Even though the blond liked Derek, it wasn’t in the same way.

It was good that Andrew was making friends. By their fourth year together, Andrew’s inner circle still hadn’t expanded much. He and Aaron had been in a much better place, but there had still been many improvements to be made. Kevin hadn’t been as irritating when he wasn’t playing, and Andrew had even grown closer to Nicky over the years. There was also a new recruit named Robin who Andrew had welcomed into their group, but, again, there had still been a long way to go for all them.

By the time they reached the restaurant, it was almost 1:00pm. The restaurant itself was very trendy. Hipster-looking in a way that would’ve normally made Andrew sneer, but clearly he didn’t mind the place too much as he frequented it.

They were led to a table located in a quiet and private area of the restaurant, thankfully. Neil sat across from Andrew, with Derek at his side. As Neil began to scan the menu, he felt someone grab it and put it on the table. Neither Andrew nor Derek had picked up menus, obviously knowing their orders already. Derek was pouring himself some water.

“This is what you’re getting,” Andrew pointed to one of the items on the menu. It was some complicated name that Neil wasn’t entirely sure made grammatical sense, but he thought it had something to do with salmon.

“I can order for myself,” Neil said.

Andrew picked up a fork and pointed it at him, “You’re under my charge, Josten. You’ll do what I say or else.”

“Or else what?” Neil challenged, feeling a smile spread across his face.

“Or else this fork goes in your eye,” Andrew said, unimpressed.

Derek snorted next to Neil. He had been watching the two of them interact silently the whole time. There was an unreadable look in his eyes, “You’re a really good striker, Neil,” He suddenly said.

Neil didn’t know what to say to the sudden compliment, “Uh, thanks?”

Derek merely smiled at him and turned to Andrew and started up a conversation on some new workout routine he was on. Neil watched them interact, and began to feel significantly better about Derek being in Andrew’s life. After all, he had nothing to worry about.

Neil felt more secure in the relationship. Before they had shared their first kiss, Andrew had long stopped hooking up with other people, including Roland. He wasn’t the type to focus on more than one individual at a time in that way, and this characteristic had shown itself many times at Palmetto. Also, Andrew was never one to take actions without carefully thinking them through. If he had made the decision to bring Neil to New York with him, it was something that he had likely been thinking about doing for weeks.

He was content to listen to Andrew and Derek talk, adding in his own comments every now and then. Derek was an easy person to talk to, and he had a friendly enough disposition that Neil could see himself getting along with. He was almost Nicky in that sense, and Neil was additionally comforted by the thought that Derek was similar to Andrew’s cousin.

The waitress returned with their food and soon they were all digging in. The salmon was really good, just as Andrew had told him. He normally was indifferent towards fish, but the seasoning was so good that he wanted to moan. He practically wolfed it down.

Apparently Derek knew the head chef here, so he and Andrew were able to order from the breakfast menu, despite the fact that it was 1:00pm now. They each got plates stacked with waffles topped with fruit and soaked in an unholy amount of syrup.

When Andrew saw the face Neil was making, he kicked his chair. Neil kicked his chair back and all of a sudden they were in an all-out war. Only when they got looks from a passing by waitress did Neil put a stop to it.

Derek, who had been watching this interaction, piped up, “So you and Andrew spent a lot of time together in college, huh? Being on the same team and all.”

Neil shrugged, “I guess so. I mean we also lived together.”

“Oh!” Derek’s eyebrows shot up as he glanced at Andrew. “It must’ve been tough. Being around someone so often can get so grating.”

Andrew was making cutting eyes at Derek, but Neil still replied, “Not really. We had our time apart.”

“Like the past, what, two years?” Derek’s smile changed.

Andrew made a warning noise.

Neil looked back and forth between the glaring contest Andrew and Derek were having. They were communicating something silent that obviously Neil wasn’t privy to know. Andrew held his syrup coated knife and fork tightly with white knuckles, and his whole body language screamed at Derek to back down.

“There’s nothing?” Derek demanded, still glaring.

Andrew didn’t even blink, “There’s nothing.”

Neil wasn’t sure what was happening anymore. One minute, things had seemed fine and he thought he and Derek had been getting along well, but the sharp turn in conversation said different. The other customers carried on as usual, but a hostile atmosphere had settled over their table, and Neil wasn’t sure what its context was.

Derek still seemed agitated by whatever he was thinking, but he looked much calmer now. His shoulders had lowered into a much more relaxed position and he began eating his waffles again, acting like nothing had happened.

Andrew on the other hand was still stiff and gripping his knife and fork tightly as he a little too aggressively cut into his waffles. A muscle in his jaw was twitching, and Neil wondered what exactly was making the man so angry right now. He was breathing in deeply, attempting to calm himself down.

Neil nudged Andrew’s foot with his own as a silent question, but Andrew only shook his head at him without looking at him. His posture slowly relaxed and he put down his knife and fork and downed his drink in one go. He slammed the glass on the table, making Derek jump. Neil, used to Andrew’s theatrics, didn’t even blink.

“Neil,” Derek chewed and swallowed. “I forgot to ask you this, but what brought you to New York?”

Neil heard Andrew inhale sharply through his nose. To calm him down, Neil nudged him with his foot again, except this time he let it linger next to Andrew’s, their legs brushing together lightly. The blond returning his nudge pleased him and he wondered if he’d always been this mushy around him.

Nicky often commented that if he didn’t know about their relationship, he would never guess that they were together. To someone like him, people in relationships aren’t afraid to get touchy in public. They let hands linger, they kiss, they cuddle. _They don’t hide_ , Nicky would say. But Andrew and Neil weren’t hiding, they just had their own way of showing affection. And they definitely weren’t hiding their relationship because they were afraid to be out. Andrew as a general rule never cared for the opinions of others. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, where he wanted. The opinion of others often fell on deaf ears when it came to him.

Neil, on the other hand, was a bit shyer than Andrew, but he still cared less than the average person. He didn’t need Andrew to hold his hand in public, or to kiss him in front of his friends. Simply Andrew’s presence was enough for him. As long as they were part of one another’s lives, Neil would be happy. He would stick around for as long as Andrew pleased.

As a reply to Derek’s question, Neil stuck to old habits and twisted the truth, “I had a week off so I decided to come visit Andrew. Catch up, I guess.”

Derek looked like he just caught Neil in a trap, “Oh? Andrew told me you fainted during practice. It’s not serious is it?”

 _If you know the answer already, then why ask?_ Neil snarked in his mind but he wondered, _when did Andrew tell Derek this_? He glanced at the blond, who was looking murderously at Derek.

“Yeah,” Derek continued. “You don’t have many friends, so he was forced to bring you back to New York with him. At least that’s what he said to me. When I found out he was going all the way to Virginia, I almost followed him. I didn’t want him to be alone, you know?”

Before Neil could open his mouth and respond, Andrew knocked his knuckles against the table, successfully getting their attention. His face was stiff, now void of any previous emotion he may have been feeling. He got up, his chair scraping noisily against the hardwood floor, but he ignored the looks he got and tossed a hundred dollar bill on the table.

“We’re leaving,” Andrew said simply. Before Neil could get a word in, he walked around the table, grabbed Derek by the collar, and walked out of the restaurant with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if there are any mistakes please let me know as this has barely been proofread  
> also i hope you enjoyed!  
> kudos and comments are always appreciated :)


	5. Five

Neil waited before following them, understanding that Andrew wanted to talk to Derek in private. He felt like he had missed fifty percent of the conversation that had just took place, but one thing he did know for certain was that Andrew had discussed Neil’s private life with Derek. Since when was Derek allowed to know these things? 

Just as he was headed for the door, he registered the noise of people shouting outside. It was muffled, but the yelling was loud and insistent. Andrew and Derek were standing off to the side of the front door, and Neil realized that they were using the wall to hide themselves from what seemed to be paparazzi waiting for them outside. Derek looked anxious now, shooting Andrew looks that spoke volumes of his concern. Andrew merely looked pissed.

Neil approached them, shoving his hands deep in his pockets. He stood a few feet away from them, and raised his eyes at Andrew, silently questioning why he was still standing there. Although the blond hated paparazzi, he still didn’t care enough for them to let them obstruct his life. He could bulldoze his way past a hoard of them without a single care, but it was evident that something was making him hesitate.

Finally, it seemed he was ready to go, as he told Neil, “Let’s go.”

With a sick sense of satisfaction, Neil noticed he didn’t spare Derek a glance.

Derek opened the door and began to walk out, immediately being assaulted by the sound of men frantically yelling his name. It sounded like there were at least ten or so men calling his name, demanding him to answer their questions. Derek simply put on his sunglasses and moved passed them.

“Come on,” Andrew said, jerking his head towards the door.

Neil followed him out, and he almost immediately regretted it. The sound of cameras clicking and men shouting rose, unnerving him. He wasn’t wearing sunglasses, and he knew that had it been nighttime, the flashing cameras would have blinded him. He felt suffocated under the intense eyes of these vultures, feeling his skin crawl. No matter how many years passed, he still hated these assholes.

Still, being surrounded by so many strangers asking him questions and moving in closer and closer made a feeling akin to panic twinge in his chest. His heartbeat picked up, thumping against his chest like he had just gone running. He tried to focus in on the back of Andrew’s head, who was walking a few feet ahead of him, but the world felt tilted, a little off balance. He tried to count to a 100 in French, but he barely made it past ten before he quickened his pace and grabbed Andrew by the arm of his coat.

Andrew turned and when he saw the look on Neil’s face, he pried Neil’s fingers from his coat and instead grabbed him by his arm, pulling him forward. Andrew was now inches behind him, an insistent force quietly commanding him to keep walking. Feeling the goalkeeper’s strong build behind him made him feel better and more secure. He didn’t feel as exposed anymore, and he managed to clear up some of the fog in his head.

Andrew stood by the driver’s door, waiting for Neil to get in before making his way in as well. He slammed the door shut and started up the car. Neil was no longer trembling, and he was about to say thank you to the blond when a hand settled on his shoulder and squeezed.

“You ok?” Derek asked hesitantly. Neil didn’t turn to look at him, but he knew the man was being genuine in this moment. He wasn’t a bad guy, he could tell, and Neil was so used to the hot and cold antics of the Foxes that he barely blinked at the complete change in persona.

Neil nodded mutely, keeping his eyes trained in Andrew’s face. Crowding paparazzi surrounded the front and side of the car, and, due to the commotion, more and more people began to surround them. Unfamiliar faces were trying to get a look at them through the windows, snapping photos, taking videos. Andrew ignored him, starting the car. It growled to life, frightening more than a few fans, who began to move away. The paparazzi took longer to move, but when the car let out a violent sound and began to move, they took the hint and moved back to safety.

Neil reached for Andrew’s coat sleeve and tugged on it until he got the man’s attention. Andrew gave him a look that said he better make it quick, “Are you ok?”

Andrew snorted and sped up. Neil heard Derek shift behind them, but he ignored him. Andrew was in an awful mood, and Neil knew he should keep his distance and give the man time to process whatever it was that was running through his mind. Plus, Derek was within hearing distance, and he knew the blond wouldn’t be ok with being overheard. They’d talk about this later.

When they were back at the apartment, Andrew had closed off even more. His face was carefully blank, not letting Neil in at all. Neil, on the other hand, during the car ride had let his mind wander to what had happened during lunch. He could tell you ten different ways to dispose a body, but when it came to things like this, things that other people easily caught on to, he was impossibly slow.

They were all sitting on the couches now, watching that cop show again, except this time one of them, namely Derek, was enjoying it. Sometimes, he would even say lines before they were delivered and laugh loudly. Neil tried his best to not look like he was analyzing the guy, but he knew he wasn’t exactly subtle.

He was trying to be as objective as possible about this. He knew Andrew. He knew Andrew would be attracted, at last physically, to someone like Derek. He knew that there was a chance that they might have hooked up while he and Andrew were broken up. He knew that he didn’t feel too good about this possibility. He had never been an emotional person and he had never cared enough to ask Andrew about Roland or any other boys he had gotten friendly with before, but there was a burn inside him that wouldn’t be soothed no matter how much he tried to ignore it.

Neil and Andrew were sitting on the same couch with one seat dividing them, and Derek sat on the couch adjacent to them. He and Andrew were both drinking beer, but Neil just had his water bottle. He played with the cap, tightening and untightening it, and fought the childish urge to whip it at Derek.

Derek was a little bit tipsy at this point and kept looking at Andrew whenever he said something word for word at the same time a character on the show did. Andrew rolled his eyes at him, tipping his head back to swallow down more beer. He didn’t have many words to share at this moment, and Neil respected that. Derek, on the other hand, didn’t seem to.

“We should marathon this show again some time, right, Andrew?” He asked, giving the man such a suggestive look that even Neil could understand that there was more to the question than there seemed to be.

Andrew, predictable, didn’t reply.

The rest of the day passed by in a blur. Derek kept drinking more and more until eventually he was red in the face and hiccupping. Andrew, knowing himself, stopped before he got even close to being drunk. He had moved to the kitchen, preparing a healthy chicken stir-fry. Derek, in all his drunkenness, had practically begged Andrew to order pizza instead, but Andrew had remained firm. Neil needs to eat healthy, he had said matter-of-factly.

It was dark outside, and Andrew had closed the majority of the blinds, blocking out the lights of the city for the most part. They were sitting in the kitchen once more, eating their food. Andrew had practically knocked the beer bottle out of Derek’s hand when he had attempted to drink it with his meal, and instead told him to get a glass of water.

The meal was finished soon enough, practically inhaled by the three athletes. Neil could see by now that Andrew was tired. Seeing this as a cue to get Derek to leave, Neil said, “Wow. It’s pretty late.”

Unfortunately, Derek didn’t get the hint and instead managed to invite himself over for the night. Andrew had merely pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation, eventually getting up and leaving. It wasn’t until a few seconds later that Neil realized that Andrew had gotten up so that he could move any remaining pieces of Neil’s belongings from the second bedroom to the master bedroom. Derek, too, realized this and didn’t look too happy.

“Don’t worry about that.” He said. “Neil can have the extra bedroom. I can take the sofa. Or room with you?” He wiggled his brows suggestively, still drunk.

“You want the sofa?”

Derek blinked, “Uh, no, not really.”

“Then take the extra bedroom. I’m not listening to your dinosaur snoring,” Andrew said.

After Derek failed to get up without losing his balance and tripping over his feet, Andrew had to practically carry him to his bed, and sight of the blond’s five-foot figure holding up Derek’s six-foot figure almost made Neil want to laugh. He wisely to keep his amusement to himself and instead busied himself with washing the dishes. There weren’t many, and out of all the chores a household requires, washing dishes would be the one he enjoyed most. It was mundane work, but it allowed him some time to get lost in his own thoughts.

Andrew was wiping down all the counters, and soon began to help Neil dry the dishes. They worked side by side, almost touching. With every light brush, tingles spread across Neil’s skin. He could feel a flush rise up his neck, and he fought back a smile when Andrew nudged his hip with his. As retaliation, Neil nudged him back. The goalkeeper looked amused by his actions and just when Neil thought he would be nudged back, Andrew put away the last plate and moved to stand behind him.

Hands settled firmly against his hips before they slid around to explore his stomach. As they snuck up under his shirt to feel his abs, a warm body pressed against his back. Andrew casually rested his chin on Neil’s shoulder, nipping at his neck when Neil turned and tried to kiss him. Neil tried again, only to have his face shoved away.

Andrew began to grind against Neil’s ass, sliding his hands further up Neil’s body until they reached his chest. Neil jumped when he felt a nipple being tugged at and Andrew huffed out a laugh against his neck. The warmth of his breath almost made Neil moan, and he began to rock back against Andrew’s groin. The blond’s stance widened as he pushed further into Neil.

“Drew,” Neil bit his bottom lip, eyelids slipping shut.

“Mm?” Andrew distractedly hummed, sucking at Neil’s neck.

“Take me to–” His words cut short when Andrew practically ripped himself away. Neil turned around to face Andrew with a confused expression, about to ask what was wrong when he saw Derek walking towards the kitchen, scratching his stomach. His hair was messy and his eyes were closed, so it was clear that he had just woken up. He hadn’t reacted to seeing the two of them, so Neil doubted he even saw anything.

When he looked back at Andrew, who was now rummaging through the fridge like nothing had happened, it clicked in his mind. It wasn’t that Andrew didn’t like to show affection in front of others, it was just that he didn’t want Derek to know that there was something going on between them. In Neil’s mind, there was only one reason why Andrew would want that.

Derek liked Andrew, and Andrew hadn’t discouraged him – which, in Andrew’s books, was as good as welcoming him with open arms. It all made sense, if Neil was honest. He had had suspicions for a long time now, and the thought had bugged his mind too often when he would watch Andrew play. Seeing them in person just confirmed it. Andrew had been more than accommodating towards Derek throughout the entire day – normally he would never indulge and never tolerate someone like this if he didn’t feel anything towards them.

There was a twisting feeling in his stomach that tightened the deeper and deeper he delved into his mind. He was running through every interaction he had witnessed between the two – Andrew flicking Derek’s forehead, Derek radiating whenever Andrew gave him attention, all the times Andrew almost smiled around him. Neil watched Andrew’s hunched-over figure with unseeing eyes. The blond was so aware of Derek’s presence that he barely flinched when they touched, and he certainly didn’t move away.

Neil didn’t like how he was feeling. Just a few seconds ago, he had been feeling so good, but now it felt like everything was crashing around him. He had never been a super emotional person, but right now the heavy pit in his stomach and the ache in his heart felt like it would kill him right then and there. He didn’t want to cry, not in front of them, so he began to make his way to the master bedroom. He was painfully aware that Andrew didn’t acknowledge him at all.

It was obvious to him now that _something_ must have happened between the two. He was more than aware that Andrew found other men attractive, even when they were in a relationship, but that didn’t matter because Andrew was never unfaithful. He was a red-blooded male who appreciated men, so it wasn’t exactly all that upsetting to Neil when he would see the blond’s gaze on Matt’s arms, because Andrew still remained his. But...Andrew had not been his for an entire year. Something definitely had happened.

And it would’ve been alright if something did, because Neil was not an unreasonable person. If he had managed to found someone who intrigued him, he too would have been curious enough to explore, but he hadn’t, and Andrew had. Neil couldn’t blame him, but why was Andrew hiding them? Neil could read him better than almost anyone, and it was clear the blond didn’t just not want their business to be Derek’s, he also straight up didn’t want Derek knowing _at all_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got the idea for this fic a long ass time ago and wrote a lot of it months ago and i'm at a place now where i really don't like the plot lol but dw i'll still finish it  
> i'm just really, really not feeling it anymore and i'm desperate to change it but at the same time i can't do that without changing up previous chapters  
> regardless, hope you enjoyed and kudos and comments are always welcome!


	6. Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes i'm positive there are typos and grammatical errors in here - please let me know of them

Feigning sleep, Neil mumbled something unintelligible to Andrew. Upon hearing his words, Andrew had turned away from Derek to face him. He analyzed Neil closely and an expression flitted too quickly across his face to be recognizable. He nodded and said that he would be there shortly to find him an extra blanket, and Neil managed to crack a smile at him before practically sprinting for the master bedroom. He didn’t look back once.

Quickly brushing his teeth and washing his face, Neil was soon lying in bed on top of the blanket. His whole body felt overheated and he wanted to crack a window and let in the cold night air. His skin felt itchy, and with a thousand thoughts running through his mind he managed to wiggle the comforter out from underneath him and kick it off the bed. The thin material of the bed sheet felt a lot nicer against his skin, but he still felt itchy.

 _Andrew likes Derek_ , Neil thought, his heart pumping deep and hard. He could feel it pang and throb through every part of his body, his chest, his fingertips, his temples. He stared up at the ceiling, not entirely aware of his surroundings but at the same time entirely too aware. The barely there sounds of Andrew and Derek talking in the other room felt amplified in his ears, even though he could barely make out a word of what they were saying. Something that sounded like laughter made his heart twinge and constrict even more painfully.

He curled over on his side and fought back against the stinging in his eyes. Neil felt stupid for being blind for so long. He had spent an entire day with both Derek and Andrew and hadn’t noticed anything until now. And It wasn’t Derek being interested in Andrew that made him upset - it was that Andrew returned his feelings and had dragged Neil out here anyway. Neil hadn’t wanted this – in fact, he had insisted on staying in Virginia and yet still he had given in. After all these years, no matter what Andrew put him through, Neil could never say no to him.

He thought that they had made progress after their talk at the diner, but clearly he had been wrong. For all the years that he had known the man, Andrew had been a decisive person… _so what the hell was Neil doing out here_? Did Andrew miss what they had, or did he only want the physical part of their relationship to continue? No, that couldn’t be true, not with what had transpired between them these few short days. Andrew had been perfect to him.

But even someone like Andrew could have conflicting feelings. In fact, throughout the entire first year that they had known each other, Andrew hadn’t been completely sold on whether he wanted to kiss Neil or throw him off a roof. And that indecisiveness had never truly gone away – that uncertainty that Neil was not destined for him. Andrew had held on to it for years, clearly, and it wasn’t entirely wrong to think that Andrew was still holding on to it. Who knew. Certainly not Neil.

Before he could sink even deeper into his misery, the quiet creaking of the door signaled Andrew’s entrance. Neil had his back to the door, but his skin prickled, his whole body coming to attention at the slightest indication that the blond was in the same room. Neil felt pathetic.

He kept still and silent, wishing that Andrew didn’t know him well enough to know when he was faking sleep. He listened to the shuffling of clothes as Andrew changed, and felt a hand nudge his hip, indicating him to move over. It was a king sized bed, but in his wave of blinding emotions, Neil had forgotten that Andrew always preferred to sleep closest to the door. He shifted over and nearly jumped when Andrew got into bed and slid up behind him.

A strong, warm arm wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer. Teeth playfully nipped at his ear before Andrew murmured into it, “Stop thinking before your head explodes.”

Andrew tightened his grip around him and pulled him even closer until their bodies were pressed together. He began to kiss and suck at the soft skin of Neil’s neck once more, grinding against him. Neil felt limp under Andrew’s ministration, and soon the blond noticed how unresponsive he was. Andrew’s arm loosened around him and his warm mouth released the delicate skin of Neil’s neck.

“Neil?” Andrew asked, grabbing him and trying to turn him around to face him.

Neil allowed this, and fought back against every emotion that he knew was apparent on his face. They were now both settled on their sides, facing one another, “I’m just really tried.”

Andrew didn’t believe him, “If this is about Derek, I’ll tell him to leave first thing in the morning.”

Neil shook his head, lying, “I’m just tired, Andrew. It’s been a long day.”

“You’re an awful liar,” Andrew’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t think I didn’t see your face when he walked into the kitchen.”

Neil rolled his eyes, chest ripped open and aching, “You’re just seeing things. You should really go see an optometrist.”

“Neil,” Andrew warned.

“Yeah?”

He felt like an ant trapped under Andrew’s scrutiny. The blond scooted closer to him until they were just an inch apart. When Neil didn’t respond, he drew closer. He wrapped his arm around Neil’s waist one more, letting it roam and explore his body until it rested on his back.

“Is this ok?” Andrew asked, leaning his face closer. Neil focused on counting his eyelashes.

“Is this ok?” Andrew repeated. “Yes or no?”

Neil’s eyes turned downcast and he shook his head as best as he could with his ear pressed up against a pillow. Andrew’s arm around his waist tightened for just a second before it pulled away from him. Andrew scooted back, putting a few inches between them. Before he could say anything else, Neil shut his eyes. He heard Andrew shift off the bed and grab the comforter off the floor. When he tried to put it on Neil, Neil shrugged it off, mumbling something about being too hot.

Andrew didn’t respond to it but it was a long moment before he finally got back in bed. Neil kept his eyes closed this entire time, keenly listening to the sound of Andrew’s breathing, which normally signaled to him whether the man was awake or not. When Andrew’s breathing became deeper and slower, Neil let his eyes open. Even in the dark of the room, they stung like someone had held a flashlight on them. They prickled and welled, and he quickly wiped a single hot tear searing down the side of his temple before it could absorb into the fabric of the pillow.

He couldn’t help but think Andrew was so beautiful. There was enough light in the room that he could make out the features of the man’s face, and he wanted so badly to shuffle himself over and bury himself in the man’s strong embrace. Andrew would welcome him, he knew, but he felt wounded. It was funny that the person he craved for the most in the world was the person who was hurting him the most, regardless of whether that was his intention or not.

Andrew’s eyes fluttered in his sleep, and Neil wanted to reach out and lightly graze them with his trembling fingertips, feel their softness, their gentleness. He wanted to lazily brush his lips against Andrew’s, loving kiss them, tenderly caress his cheekbones, pepper kisses across his face. He wondered whether Derek had ever done that. He wondered whether Derek had gotten to do things Neil had never been allowed to explore.

His chest tightened further and he could no longer bear to look at the blond for even a moment more. He turned over onto his back and stared at the ceiling, his hands resting on his stomach, palms down. More tears escaped his eyes, leaving burning trails that he wiped hastily. Sniffling quietly, he made a decision.

After confirming that Andrew was still asleep, Neil got off the bed as quietly as he could. Once his feet touched the cool floor, he let himself steal a glance at the man just one more time before making his way out to the hallway. The guestroom’s door was closed and there was no light peeking through its gaps. After pressing his ear against it and hearing only silence, Neil confirmed that Derek, too, was sleep.

Trying to be as quiet and quick as possible, he slipped on his shoes without socks and tugged on his jacket. Not bothering to pack anything, he was about to head out the door when he let his eyes take in Andrew’s apartment for the last time. But enough was enough. Andrew had made his decision about them years ago. Even though he had tried to fix them, he clearly still had issues he needed to work on and Neil felt done with having his heart experimented with. He couldn’t play these games anymore. Once minute Andrew wanted him, the next he didn’t, but then he wanted him again, and then he practically shoved him away when Derek spotted them together.

More than anything, Neil wanted Andrew to be happy. And if the man kept having doubts about them, it was clear that they weren’t meant to be. Neil didn’t want to be in a relationship with somebody who had one foot out the door at all times. It was exhausting. A part of him hurt for thinking this, but maybe this was also the opportunity Andrew had been waiting for. Maybe Andrew’s purpose for bringing Neil to New York had been to clarify his own emotions, and, after spending the day with both Neil and Derek, Andrew could figure out exactly what he wanted. Despite the fact that Andrew had come back to bed with him, he had still pushed away from him when Derek had arrived. With Neil out of the picture, maybe Andrew could be with Derek, who was infinitely less confusing and infuriating and insecure and fucked up as Neil.

When he spotted his phone, he realized that leaving without it in an unfamiliar city was a bad idea, even for him. It was dark and cold out and leaving without it would surely result in something bad occurring. He walked over the hardwood floors, uncaring of the marks his shoes would leave on them.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Neil jumped at the sudden voice. He turned, his heart lodging in his throat. In the dark hallway, Andrew stood, arms crossed. The light of bedroom was turned on behind him, almost silhouetting his figure.

Dry mouthed, Neil said, “I’m leaving.”

Andrew’s whole body tensed before he uncrossed his arms and strode over until he was just a foot away from Neil, “No, I don’t think you are.”

Neil face twisted, anger rising like a wave, “You can’t tell me what to do.”

“You’re being stupid. Come back to bed, and we can talk about in the morning.” Andrew said surprisingly calmly considering his posture was screaming anything but. When Neil didn’t budge, Andrew’s features softened and he gripped Neil’s arms firmly, pulling him closer until they were just a breath apart. “What’s wrong?”

Neil’s voice died in his throat at Andrew’s tone, under his searching eyes. His own prickled once more and he clenched his jaw, stopping any trembling before it began, “Like I said. I’m leaving.”

Andrew face didn’t move but he let go of Neil’s arms, taking a number of steps back. His eyes bore into Neil’s. “Why?” He asked.

Neil swallowed thickly and shook his head, “I don’t think this is going to work.”

“Is this about Derek?” Andrew asked, his voice taking on a strange tone. “I knew it. I knew you were bothered by him–”

“This isn’t about him,” Neil lied.

“No, no,” Andrew moved further away, huffing out a humourless laugh. “This is about you being _you_ and running away as soon something happens that you don’t like. That’s what this is about – not Derek, not me, but _you._ This is who you are. This is what you do.”

Neil angrily wiped away tears before they fell, “You know what? Forget it. It doesn’t even matter.” He turned to leave, acting on his age-old instincts to run rather than confront. He couldn’t spare another look at Andrew, not without breaking down. Just as he unlocked the door however, his hand was ripped away from it. He was flipped around, back pressed against the door.

Andrew stood close to him, palms pressed against the wood on either side of Neil’s head, caging him, “Neil. Don’t do this.”

Neil’s heart skipped at the gloss over Andrew’s eyes and then constricted painfully once more as he thought about Derek. He pressed his lips tightly together, hand reaching and bent at an awkward angle to turn the doorknob. Just as he turned it, however, Andrew’s hand enveloped his. Neil shot a look at it and looked back up at Andrew.

“Can we at least talk for just two minutes? You can leave right after if you want.” Andrew’s eyes were bright, asking Neil to listen.

Neil felt his shoulders drop and his resolve shake. He trained his eyes on the spot above Andrew’s shoulder and trembled out, “Give me one good reason why I should stay, Andrew.”

Andrew didn’t miss a beat, “Because you promised me a week. We’re not done yet, junkie.”

“Well I say we are,” Neil’s voice grew wobblier. Andrew’s calloused hand reach out to gently stroke his cheekbone.

“Neil, look at me” Andrew’s voice was quiet. “I’m asking you to not go.”

“You still haven’t given me a reason.” Neil whispered.

“What will make you stay? What can I do?” Andrew pressed closer, moving his hand to gently rub the back of Neil’s neck.

“I want you to be honest. Are you being honest?”

“No.”

“Then be honest,” Neil whispered, swallowing hard. “Tell me why you want me to stay.”

Andrew tightened his grip on Neil’s neck, bringing him closer, closing the world between their lips, letting them just barely brush together before murmuring against them, “Because I’m in love with you.”

Everything stopped. Neil took in a shaky breath, his hand tightening around the doorknob before falling limp off it and out Andrew’s grip. He stared at the man before him, mind blank with surprise. Never before had Andrew ever said those words to him. He just wasn’t the type – instead, he showed his love through his actions, and that had always been more than enough for Neil. But to hear it said out loud was different. So different.

“Well, that’s touching.” A voice piped up.

Both Neil and Andrew’s head shot to the side at the same time, surprised. Derek stood leaning against the wall in the same place Andrew had been stood just minutes before. He reached over and flicked a switch, lighting up the condo.

At this time, Andrew had silently moved away from Neil. He had put a few feet of safe distance between them, scratching the back of his neck. He avoided Neil’s eye, instead meeting Derek’s, “It’s not what you think.”

Neil’s world shrank until all he could focus on was Andrew. He stared, unseeing for just a moment.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Andrew.” Neil heard Derek’s voice at a distance, like he was hearing it from another room. “You and Neil aren’t exactly subtle, you know?”

Before Andrew could say a word, Neil moved quickly, barely giving Derek and Andrew time to realize he was leaving. The door slammed shut behind him, the heavy thud of it echoing in the hallway, surely waking up disgruntled neighbours. Neil was too angry, too confused, and then too numb to care. He just needed to get the hell out of there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh!!! my hatred for this fic keeps growing!!!!  
> kids, this is what happens when you don't think a plot through and don't organize your ideas  
> still, hope you guys enjoyed! sorry for the angst! sorry for the late update! sorry for the shoddy writing!!!!  
> maybe i should stick to writing one-shot smut fics ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> (still, i promise you i will finish this fic)


	7. Seven

Luckily, Neil had managed to navigate his way to Allison’s apartment building. After graduating from Palmetto, Allison had set her sights on becoming a fashion blogger. Now living her dream, she was running a successful website, attending countless fashion shows, and collaborating with other well-known individuals in the fashion industry. Despite moving to the same city as Andrew, Neil was aware that the two rarely, if ever, interacted with another. In fact, it wouldn’t be outlandish to think they out-right avoided one another. 

While Andrew had kept in contact with some of the Foxes, a few of them he had voluntarily chosen to forget; Allison being a great example of that. Back at Palmetto, the two had constantly clashed with one another like feral animals. Despite some of their shared similarities, such as being snarky assholes, the two despised one another. Obviously, neither of the two had been mature enough to get past their mutual petty hatred.  

Neil, on the other hand, still kept in contact with pretty much all of the original Foxes. Every year, he would even send Aaron a short ‘Happy Birthday’ text that was often returned with a bleak and stiff ‘Thank you’. But, then again, Neil mostly did that because Katelyn would send him happy birthday texts every year, forcing Aaron to do the same. 

Neil wondered whether Andrew had told Aaron the reason why he broke up with Neil. 

_ Stop thinking about that _ , he thought to himself. Buried under a mountain of soft, patterned blankets, he waited for Allison to return.

Stupidly, when escaping Andrew’s place, it slipped Neil’s mind to grab his phone as well as his wallet. With no money in his pocket and a blurry memory of Allison’s address, he had been forced to walk his way to her place in freezing cold weather. When his miserable form had stumbled into her lobby, he had immediately made his way to the front desk, where the staff contacted Allison after recognizing Neil as a popular exy athlete.

By the time he had stepped out of the elevator on to the 30 th floor, Allison had made her way out of her apartment and was waiting for Neil by her front door. Frizzy haired and wearing rumbled sweats, she looked more than a little irritated to see him. Still, Neil saw the pull of her mouth and the quirk of her brow that let him know she was concerned.

“Old habits die hard, huh, Neil?” She said, reaching out to grasp his shoulders and pull him in for a hug. Usually not a fan of such affection from most people, this time Neil let himself relax into her warm embrace. He wrapped his own arms around her waist, holding her tight to his body, burying his face in her curls. 

She pulled back, “You  _ asshole _ , oh my god, I thought you would’ve grown out of this shit by now.” Obviously, Allison had guessed by now what exactly had happened, or at least how he had ended up here.

“Sorry,” Neil mumbled, letting her grab his arm and tug him into her home. Immediately, the smell of mint hit him smack in the face, assaulting his senses. “Christ, Allison,” He said as he spotted multiple scented candles burning in almost every corner of her house. 

“You walked in freezing cold weather for god knows how long, Josten, you can handle some mint,” Allison said, but not harshly. She helped him get his jacket off, rubbing her hands up and down his arms, trying to warm him up. “You really do have a death wish, don’t you?” She snorted. 

“Just thought I’d take a walk,” Allison nearly smacked him when he said this.

After he kicked off his shoes, she pulled him towards her couch, practically shoving him on to it and throwing a soft white throw blanket over him. He tightly wrapped it around himself and watched her leave only to return with more blankets. Once those too were thrown over him, she slipped beside him on the couch, facing him, back pressed against the arm.

“Explain,” She demanded, crossing her arms over her chest.

Neil sighed, letting his head fall back, “I left Andrew.”

“Yeah, no shit.” 

“No, I mean…” Neil trailed off, looking for the right words. “I  _ left _ Andrew. We’re done.” 

Allison was quiet for a few moments, the tightness in her shoulders visibly softening. All of a sudden she looked tired, “Are you ok?”

For once, Neil couldn’t bring himself to lie, “No.” 

Allison nodded, more to herself than to him. She scooted closer, lifting the blankets so that she could slip under them. She cuddled up against him, letting her head rest on his shoulder. They both stared at nothing in particular, holding one another. Neil doesn’t know exactly when this happened, or who initiated it, but he found his hand clutching Allison’s, the cold of his skin defrosting against the heat of hers.  

“I’m sorry, Neil,” She whispered. 

Neil shook his head, “Don’t be.”

“Still. I really thought it would work out this time,” She tightened her grip around him before loosening it. “I really did.”

“Me too,” He said, closing his eyes once he felt them begin to prickle. He took a deep breath through his nose, trying to force his body to stop betraying him. The walk to Allison’s apartment had been long and miserable and cold but it also helped numb his mind and slow down his thoughts. At some point, he had begun to focus solely on putting one foot in front of the other and avoiding particularly slippery looking parts of sidewalks. 

Now, however, the ice that had blanketed the cogs of his mind and over his heart had begun to melt, reminding Neil that no matter how far he ran, he could never escape his emotions. Being on the run all those years ago with his mother had helped put his mind in a certain place where he could avoid feeling his emotions too deeply, but being with the Foxes had softened him up. Not for the first time that day did Neil feeling like cursing the man that had broken his heart.

He felt so fucking pathetic.

The weight of Allison shifting and getting off the couch barely registered in his mind. Feeling himself get buried deeper and deeper there, Neil managed to dimly nod when Allison said she was gonna make tea for the two of them. His mind was elsewhere, his heart across the city, awake and angry and confusing. Neil hated that a part of him wanted to throw the blankets off and run back to Andrew. He wanted to hold him, kiss him, yell at him. Ask him  _ why why why do you keep doing this to me? _

He had so many questions and getting answers from Andrew was like pulling teeth. One minute he was hot and the next he was cold. One minute he kissed Neil like he was the only person in the universe that mattered and the next he would shove him away. The only possible explanation was that Andrew had feelings for Derek as well, but Neil was trying hard not to let his emotions get carried away, but it was hard not to. For once, he wanted to wallow in self-pity and just give in to the currents. 

He burrowed deeper in the blankets, letting himself fall down to his side, curling up like a newborn. His heart burned like a furnace in his chest, setting his insides aflame. Screwing his eyes shut, he felt hot tears slide down his nose and his temples. A sob that sounded almost hysterical left his chest and just as Neil clutched the blankets like they were a life-line, he felt a soft hand envelope the side of his face.

“Neil,” Allison said softly, crouching in front of him with a worried look on her face. “Neil, I’m so sorry. Neil.” She stood, helping Neil sit back up again before doing the same and pressing up against him, pulling him in her arms. 

Neil only sobbed harder, his heart throbbing and his head pulsating. Allison held him so tight that Neil felt like it was the only thing keeping him together. She whispered reassuring words to him, pressing kisses in his hair.  

Neil didn’t know how much time he let his eyes flood like that, but by the end of it his throat and eyes felt swollen, his head feeling stuffy. He removed himself from Allison’s hold, feeling his muscles ache in protest due to the hunched position he had been in for so long. On the coffee table sat two cups of tea, the lack of steam signaling that they had long gone cold. 

“I just don’t think I understand him anymore,” Neil confessed, throat raw. He cleared his throat, letting his head fall back against the couch once more. Allison’s hand rubbed his arm comfortingly, squeezing it occasionally.

“I’m sorry, Neil,” Allison repeated sadly. 

“None of it’s your fault. It’s just – I don’t  _ get  _ it. He’s so different now, but at the same time he’s still the same. One minute he wants me and the next he doesn’t. It’s just– fuck– these past days have felt like my head’s been put in a blender. It was all going so good.”

“…Until?”

“Until Derek.” Neil said plainly, taking a deep breath through his nose.

Allison’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Wait, wait wait, who the fuck is Derek?” 

“Andrew’s teammate. Friend. Or more, I guess– I don’t know.” Neil said.

Allison’s eyebrows furrowed further as she leaned back from Neil, removing her arm from around his shoulders, “Ok, wait, start from the top. I’m confused.”

“He’s just– I don’t know. He just popped up out of nowhere. Andrew and I were getting along so well and then Derek shows up and it’s like Andrew does a complete 180 around him. When…” Neil stared ahead, “When it’s just the two of us, things are great. But as soon as Derek comes along, Andrew suddenly wants to put a hundred feet between us.”

“And you think there’s something going on between the two of them?” 

Neil shrugged lamely, “I don’t know what to think at this point. You know Andrew told me he loves me?” He turned his head to look at her, face startlingly neutral. “And I don’t know what to do about it.”

Allison made a startled noise at the back of her throat, “I’m gonna guess this is the first time he’s done that.”

Neil nodded once more, “It was. I was gonna leave and I’ve never seen him look the way that he did in that moment. I told him to give me a reason to stay and he said that he wanted me to say because he was in love with me. And Andrew never says anything he doesn’t mean.”

Allison looked angry, “Well, clearly he does. Listen, Neil, you said so yourself that he’s different now. I don’t even need to know the rest of the details to know that he’s been treating you like shit –  _ especially _ if he’s managed to make  _ you _ of all people cry like this.”

“Yeah,” Neil sighed, feeling tired and hollowed out. “Yeah. After he said that, Derek, who was staying over, interrupted us. And– and I don’t think I’ve ever seen Andrew move as fast as he did in that moment.” Neil gave a half-hearted chuckle. “He practically ripped himself away from me.”  

“Yeah, well, fuck Andrew.”

Neil almost smiled before trailing off, “Yeah. I just…”

Hesitantly, Allison asked, “Neil, can you promise not to get mad if I say something?” At Neil’s nod she continued, “I think you leaving him was for the best. I know I have my own personal shit with Andrew, but him turning you into this isn’t right. It’s just not. I mean, where the fuck is he right now? If there’s anything I knew about him it was that he would have fought for you to stay.”

“I guess so.” 

“It’s not  _ I guess so _ , Neil. You know this.”

Neil started, “I don’t think it’s that simple. He’s keeping things from me.”

“Maybe he is, Neil.” Allison shrugged. “Regardless, I think you need to take a step back. Calm down, and get closure. Maybe not now…but you have a right to know what he’s keeping from you.”

Neil nodded once more, wordless. He’d run out of things to say, things to think and feel. The sadness carved into his chest felt heavy, and he felt like crawling into bed and falling asleep until it all went away. Being in Andrew’s arms made him feel safe and secure and he wished he was here right now despite being the very cause of Neil’s pain. The thing is, he only acted oddly when Derek was around, so that led Neil to thinking there must be a connection between Andrew’s relationship with Derek and his relationship with Neil. Neil wished so badly that Derek and Andrew weren’t anything more than friends, despite Derek’s obvious wishes for it to be otherwise.

His heart was convinced that  _ something  _ must have happened between the two of them, but the rational part of Neil knew that Andrew wasn’t purposefully scrambling with his brain like this. There had to be a reason, and it had to be one hell of a reason too, considering Andrew’s behaviour. Was it that the blond all of a sudden wanted their relationship to be secret? Was he ashamed to be gay? No, that couldn’t be it. 

“Maybe,” Neil said, “I should talk to him.” 

There was a moment before Allison answered, “If you feel like you’re ready for that, just know that I’m on your side.”

Neil took a tired deep breathe, “I’ll call him tomorrow. Or go see him– I don’t know. I’ll sleep on it tonight and decide tomorrow. I’m just really tired.”

“Oh, of course,” Allison said. “I have a few of my ex’s clothes still lying around somewhere. You can borrow them if you want. I have a spare room where you can sleep and there’s probably some extra toiletries in the bathroom, so don’t worry about that.” 

“Thanks,” Neil smiled a small smile before looking at the tea that had long gone cold. “And sorry for letting you make tea when I didn’t even drink it.”

Allison waved him off, “Don’t worry about it, Josten, I’m pretty sure this shit is expired anyway. Wait, does tea expire?” At Neil’s blank face she whipped out her phone, typing away on Google.

“Well,” Neil said, stretching out his stiff limbs, sighing at the satisfying cracks his joints made. “I’m gonna go get ready for bed. Again, I, uh, thanks…for all of this.” 

After locating the guest bedroom, Neil immediately headed for the shower. Knowing Allison would leave clothes for him on the bed, he stripped and took a hot shower. The water hitting and splashing against his skin relaxed his muscles and he could practically feel his knots loosen. As he stepped out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist, steam seemed to cling to his skin and follow him. As he had predicted, he found a simple black t-shirt and gray shorts sitting on his temporary bed. He quickly put them on and dried off his hair as much as he could. Eventually, he gave up on using a towel and found a hairdryer that worked much faster.

Feeling toasty warm, he slid into bed, letting the blanket become a shield of sorts to protect him from the world. He felt a lot better now, tucked away from everyone and everything. While his heart still sat heavy in his chest, he felt like he had shed a layer of skin, or a layer of hurt. Letting go and letting himself feel his worries and wounds without holding back felt almost good for his soul, almost like submerging himself in water for a few seconds too long before kicking to the surface and gasping for air. He felt like he was finally breathing. 

Maybe it was just his exhausted body making him feel this way, but he felt like a fog had cleared from his mind. Maybe he’d be just fine, no matter what was waiting for him at the end of this tunnel. He would go see Andrew and, no matter what happens, he would be just fine. He would have to be.  

The next morning he woke up to sunshine flaring up the insides of his eyelids. Squinting, he raised an arm to rest over his face, providing some much needed shade. Almost immediately, he noticed that he was alone. He let one of his arms stretch across the span of empty space to his left. The sheets felt soft and smelled nice, but all Neil could think about was Andrew. Only a few days and he had already been hooked on Andrew again. He couldn’t even wake up without thinking of him. 

For just a moment, Neil let his hand clutch at the sheet and feel the ache in the joints of his fingers and in his heart before letting go and forcing himself to get up. 

Breakfast with Allison was uneventful for the most part. He had only managed to eat a few spoonfuls  of his cereal before pushing it away and leaning back in his chair, staring at the soggy pieces of cornflakes. Anxiety had nestled deep in the pits of his stomach, but he also felt determined. He was nervous to see Andrew again, afraid even. Things had ended so quickly and dramatically the night before, and Neil was scared to find the wreckage he had probably left behind.

Most of all, he felt worried for Andrew. Last night, Andrew had likely been on a rollercoaster of emotion, and although Neil knew that he didn’t necessarily owe Andrew anything, he couldn’t help but think about him. While he always wanted Andrew to be well-rested, was he petty to crave Andrew having suffered a sleepless night? 

He didn’t feel bad at all for hoping Andrew had kicked Derek the fuck out after Neil left. 

Jesus. Neil didn’t know what he would do if he went back to the condo only for Derek to answer the door. Maybe deck him. Maybe just run again. 

Allison, having noticed Neil’s mood, tried to give him a quick pep talk. Kicking at his feet under the table, she smiled reassuringly at him and told him that everything would be just fine. Neil hoped she was right. While his sleep may have been heavy and peaceful, his nerves now felt like they had been zapped. He was twitchy and nervous, and he wanted to see Andrew right this moment but also not for another ten years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i cant even begin to thank you for all the support you’ve given me. the response this fic has gotten and all the kudos and comments have seriously made me feel better and have motivated me to keep going  
> ALSO please be sure to give thanks to my beta and saviour pomponia!!!! she’s the best and has helped me out so much, so give her some appreciation please!   
> until next time !! xx


	8. Eight

After running through every possible scenario involving confronting Andrew, Neil felt an oncoming sense of panic settle deep in his bones. To be quite honest, he was sick and tired of this back and forth in his mind, this constant craving of Andrew battling with his urge to let his anger loose. He’d never been a deeply emotional person, considering the way he had been forced to grow up, and had rarely allowed himself to confront his emotions. When he told Allison this, she had snorted and told him ‘no shit’. 

Perhaps that was the reason for all these conflicting emotions he was feeling. He didn’t know how to process them, he didn’t know how to read them, or tell them apart. All he knew was that he wanted Andrew, but the single thought that maybe Andrew didn’t want him back made his heart sink.  

Allison said that it was natural for him to feel this way, that break-ups are rarely clean. There will always be doubts and questions and lots of going back and forth. One minute you’ll want them, and the next you’ll be too angry to even look at them. She said he had every right to feel this way, and Neil was trying hard to let that sink. Andrew owed him an explanation, especially after dropping the L bomb.

_ Did he only say it because I was leaving? _ Neil asked himself, but then shook his head. Andrew would never do something as dishonest as that, but then again there were so many new corners and edges of Andrew that Neil was no longer familiar with, especially the soft ones. 

To be quite honest, while Neil had stayed with Andrew, Andrew had been more affectionate than he had ever been before. The way he touched Neil bloomed a softness and gentleness between them that made Neil’s body thrum with want and he had to believe that it made Andrew feel similarly. In the past, despite their closeness, Andrew hadn’t let his mask completely fall around him. There was always some level of mystery that surrounded Andrew and followed him like a shadow. While Neil could read the man better than most, it was obvious that there was an entire world in Andrew’s mind that even Neil had not been given permission to dip his toes in, even to test out the water.

That was a good way of thinking of the mechanics of Andrew’s mind – he was like an ocean. Deep, unforgiving, all encompassing, and beautiful. Sometimes Neil felt a little guilty for thinking of Andrew’s mind as ‘beautiful’, he couldn’t help but feel like it romanticized the man’s struggles, but at the same time he felt pride in knowing that Andrew, who was capable of so much, was able to spit back at the world with a mouth full of blood, screaming  _ fuck you _ . 

Andrew, who said he was a lost cause and told Neil to  _ stop expecting shit from me _ , still gave himself a chance through his sessions with Bee. He un-sewed all the stitches he had collected and let them breathe, bleed out, and finally heal right. I mean, how else did Andrew become the man he was today? How else did Andrew wear these conflicting emotions on his face? How else could he let himself be human? How else would he let himself slip and so obviously want people? 

Him and Andrew were messy and unkempt. They were dried blood on a white carpet, bruises like galaxies on bare skin, screaming words spoken in a whisper. They were jagged and sharp and unfriendly and a big fat neon  _ danger _ sign. But, here they were. Letting themselves feel human. How could Neil let himself keep simmering in his own anger, all while knowing that Andrew was making progress. 

Maybe Allison, Dan or Matt would call him crazy for thinking these things, but they just didn’t work the way that he and Andrew did. If Neil took some steps back and got out of his own mind, he felt relieved in a sense. If this had been more than a few years ago, Andrew by now would have shut the whole world out. He would’ve shoved Neil out of the way and locked himself away in his own tower to feel safe from emotions that he had no handle over. But now, it felt like he was turning a door knob that hadn’t been used for too long. When Neil saw the look in Andrew’s eyes when he told him he loved him, it was like Andrew hesitantly knocking, afraid yet so daring about confronting whatever it was that was waiting for him on the other hand.

When he explained this to Allison, in his own stumbling sort of way, she got a strange look in her eyes. Quiet for a few moments, she had said, “You’re very selfless in love, Neil”

Neil didn’t know how to reply. No one had ever said that to him before - he’d always seen himself as a selfish person. Or, at least one hell-bent on surviving by all means necessary. He’d grown up knowing how to isolate himself in a way that would help him avoid getting hurt, but over the years he’d grown out of this need to hide away. Instead, as time passed, he’d begun craving the presence and friendship that some of the Foxes offered. Still, he’d never heard it said so simply before, so matter-of-factly. 

He settled on saying, “I don’t know what you mean.” 

Allison didn’t say anything back. 

Neil thinks she’s afraid for him and thinks that he’ll get trampled over by Andrew’s, well, Andrew-ness. She’s afraid that Andrew will keep taking pieces of Neil, and that Neil, being so forgiving and understanding about all things Andrew, will be left with nothing of his own self to keep.

Neil tried to see where she was coming from. He knew that most people would tell him that he should be more sparing and more protective over the pieces of his heart, but why was it so wrong to give them to Andrew? Andrew, who was trying so hard to build and mend the broken shards that were left of him, wouldn’t be so careless with him. If Neil could help, he would. He would give anything at all. 

Andrew had tucked himself away in such a deep and tight and dark maze that he himself for years found comfort in next to nothing. He never bothered to find a light or a key or a map, but Neil could see that now he was. Andrew isn’t a straight pathway, he’s a maze. And maybe Derek had been his map. Or at least a piece of it. 

How could Neil blame Andrew for craving Derek? If he did, that is. His relationship with Derek still wasn’t clear. All Neil knew definitely was that Derek liked Andrew a lot, and there was something about him that was special and dear to Andrew. Maybe Neil just wasn’t used to sharing. After all, it’s not like Andrew had completely denied himself to Neil. Knowing Derek’s feelings for him, maybe Andrew was just scared of losing him as a friend if he knew the truth about him and Neil. The more Neil thought about it, the more likely it was that this was true. After all, wasn’t Andrew allowed to want things? Even if he fucked up, wasn’t he allowed to be human? 

Still, Andrew had let it all go to too much of an extreme. While these feelings may be new to Andrew, Neil still tried to keep a firm grasp that he wasn’t some sort of doll that Andrew could pick up or abandon whenever he found it most convenient. 

_ Maybe you’re too dependent on one another _ , Matt had once meekly said to Neil on a drizzly night. Neil and Matt had been sick that week, practically tied down to their beds by their friends in an attempt to force them to rest. Andrew had gone out with some of the others to Eden’s for the night, so Matt and Neil had been left lying alone on opposite ends of a dark room. Dan and the girls had headed out for dinner that night, so the typical hustle and bustle of the dorm was missing, the quietness both peaceful and odd. 

The patter of rain was lulling him to sleep, and, combined with his blocked ears, Neil had almost missed what Matt had said. He had then turned his body to face Matt’s with a neutral, blinking expression, but the quirk of his eyebrow gave the impression that he wanted Matt to expand on his words. 

_ I mean, not to be, like, disrespectful or whatever, but you and Andrew are so close and without him…you kind of…Neil I–  _ Matt cut off when he saw the angry pull of Neil’s mouth. They were quiet for a moment before Neil turned back around to face the wall. The rhythm of the rain once more welcomed him into its arms, but Matt’s words played back in his mind like an echo.

That night was long gone, but those words felt as fresh as ever. 

Neil felt like he was floating in limbo. Or that he was a ball up in the air, stuck in slow motion. He didn’t know where he was going to land, but he guessed that there was only one way to know for sure.

He had to talk to Andrew. 

“I really have to talk to Andrew,” Neil repeated himself from the previous night. He felt more sure of it now than ever before. 

Allison made a displeased sound with a hint of agreement. 

Both of them were sprawled out on one sofa each, legs and arms stretched out in weird positions that felt comfortable. Though it was day-time and the sun was shining in contrast to the bite of the cold, they had turned off all the lights in the apartment before piling into the living room with enough blankets and pillows to make a fort. Before burrowing too deep in them, they had shut all the blinds and drawn all the curtains to block out all annoying sunrays so that they could watch television in peace.

Granted, half-way through watching his mind had run off on an internal monologue, but the show playing in the background almost gave him a sense of comfort. A the very least, it was better than getting lost in his head with nothing but silence and mint-scented air to distract him. 

It felt nice, he had to admit; to lay here near Allison. It almost felt like they were back at Palmetto, granted the others were missing. It was common for all of them to pick a day in a week or two to pile up together in the girls’ dorm to watch crappy movies together and eat junk food, and this felt almost similar to that.

“Hey, Josten, you even watching this?” Allison chucked a pillow at Neil, making him flinch before he grabbed it and whipped it back at her, mussing up her hair. She let out an indignant squawk that she would later deny and jumped off the couch, picking up a pillow in each hand. 

Grinning wide, Neil too scrambled off the sofa, snatching a pillow off the ground. They circled one another, assessing with narrowed eyes. Allison launched herself at Neil with a sudden cry, whipping the pillow around to hit the side of his head. In a second, Neil caught it in a strong hold, ripping it out of her hands. Now with more weapons, he charged forward with a yell, pummeling her without mercy, knowing she would be pissed if he tried to be gentle with her. 

They spent a good ten minutes having a pillow fight, half-wrestling until their stomachs hurt from laughter. Neil was bent over, a smile stretching his lips so wide that his cheeks protested. They let themselves fall on their butts next to one another, backs pressed against the front of one of the couches. Allison began to slide her body down until she was resting flat on her back. Neil joined her, gasping for breath. 

When their laughter faded, their smiles didn’t. Neil turned his head to look at her and she copied him right back. A welcome silence passed between them, and Neil felt a piece of him click back into place. He missed Allison, and he missed the girls, and the boys, and, unfortunately, that included Aaron and Kevin, too.

“I missed this,” Neil admitted. Allison laughed, shaking her head. As she tried to poke him, Neil dodged as best as he could before catching her index finger in his fist, “Honestly.”

“I missed this, too,  _ honestly _ ,” Allison said. “It’s nice to have you around.”

“We should do this more often. All of us, I mean,” Neil said.

Allison poked him once more, giggling at his attempts to poke her back. They laughed together softly before comfortable silence once more encompassed them. 

“I’m about to be real cheesy here,” Allison said. “So bear with me, ok?”

Neil snorted a laugh, waiting. 

“Listen…I know that there’s something, I don’t know,  _ special _ between you and Andrew, and I know that there’s a lot that you don’t tell us. Which is fair, I mean, but…don’t you think that maybe your time apart from Andrew was a good thing? Or at least partly?” Allison waited a moment for Neil to respond, continuing when he didn’t say anything, “I mean, it can’t  _ all _ have been shitty, right? I don’t think it matters what the context of your relationship with Andrew is – whether it’s romantic or just platonic or whatever – because that’s not where your happiness should even be based right? I know you went through some shit, but don’t you like yourself the way you are now?” 

Neil said nothing.

“I just don’t want you to keep getting hurt.” 

There was some truth to what Allison had said, Neil was reluctant to admit. If he really thought about, it was easy for him to kind of wallow in a world post-Andrew, or to really just shut everything out. His life wasn’t necessarily  _ empty  _ without Andrew, it was just different. He’d gotten on a team he enjoyed playing with, played against players he was a massive fan of, and made enough money to live comfortably. 

Despite the fact that the original Foxes were no longer together, it’s not like Neil didn’t have the means to talk to them whenever he wanted. There had been more than a few nights he had stayed up past his usual sleeping schedule just so that he could talk to Dan or Matt or whoever for just a little while longer.

On top of that, it would be unfair to assume that he didn’t get along with his team off the court. Although he’d never share the same connection with others that he did with his Foxes, his life was a lot bigger than it was in the past. He’d found himself able to enjoy the company of his teammates, even going out to impromptu dinners and movie nights with them every now and then. 

Even with Andrew gone, Neil had found a way to do more than survive.

His life without Andrew hadn’t been as bleak or sad as he sometimes made it out to be, even though being without him was still hard. He’d grown a lot in those two years and had learned to become somewhat of an individual. He’d kicked his habit of lighting cigarettes just for the sake of dwelling on old memories, he’d explore new cities by himself, and he even got himself his own keys that belonged to him alone. 

Now, he realized that he had been in New York for a few days already, yet hadn’t once even considered paying Allison a visit. That’s how much he had been hung up on Andrew, desperate for him in a way that was downright embarrassing. 

Still, Neil only shrugged half-heartedly in response. Allison shoved at his shoulder, snorting. 

Just as she opened her mouth to speak, however, the shrill sound of her cell-phone rang, cutting off whatever it was she had been about to say. 

With a grunt, Allison got to her feet. Sliding a finger against the screen, she held the phone up to her ear, about to say something but then being cut off. Neil could just barely make out a muffled voice on the other end of the phone, but whatever it was that the person had said had made Allison’s eyes snap to Neil’s face. 

Andrew. 

“No,” Allison said with finality, quickly hanging up. 

Neil got up, “Was that him?”

“No,” Allison repeated casually, tucking her phone in her back pocket. 

It rang again. She made a frustrated noise as she took it out once more, looking ready to hang up on the caller once more. Neil moved fast, snatching it out of her hand. There was no caller ID to tell him who it was, but Neil knew in his gut. 

“Hello?” He answered, a little breathless.

“I– Neil?” Andrew. “I’m downstairs.” 

_ Can you come downstairs _ ? Neil heard the silent question. Shrugging off Allison’s attempts to grab the phone, he moved it to his other ear, beginning to pace. He chewed on his bottom lip, feeling a sort of desperation and anxiety cocktail stir in his stomach. His skin felt like it was alive, like it was bursting with some emotion that his body couldn’t hold in. He wanted to hear Andrew say it. 

After a moment, he heard Andrew take a breath, “Can I see you?”

Neil swallowed, letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding. He stole a glance at Allison’s irritated face. She was standing with her arms crossed over her chest, hip slightly jutted out. 

“Ok. Ok, yeah.” Neil took a breath. “Are you alone?”

“I’m alone.” 

“Ok. I’ll be down in five.” He shot Allison a helpless look. 

Andrew’s voice spoke on the other end, “I’ll be waiting.”

“Ok,” Neil nodded before hesitantly hanging up. He stared at the screen until it went black, his head shooting up to look at Allison. 

“Am I doing the right thing?” He asked her.

Allison’s features softened, “I don’t know. How do you feel?”

“I don’t know. Like I’m gonna vomit.”

“Do you know what you want from this?”

“…Yes. No.”

Allison bit her bottom lip, “I can go downstairs and tell him to go away. I think you’re making this decision to see him too fast.” She hesitated.

Neil looked back at the dark screen, “I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep if I don’t talk to him.”

It took Neil fifteen minutes to get downstairs instead of five, but he couldn’t help but take his time in the bathroom. Even though he had already washed his face that morning, he once more scrubbed at it with Allison’s lavender face wash, using some water to fix his hair. Running his hands through the messy strands kind of made him look worse, almost like he was sweaty, so he found himself trying to rub it out as fast as he could with a towel. With that out of the way, he brushed his teeth. Spitting white foam out of his mouth, he stared at it slowly going down the sink, wondering just what the hell he was doing. 

His guts jolting and twisting uncomfortably inside, he changed into the jeans he had come in. Allison had thankfully washed and dried them that morning, leaving them to hang in the guest bedroom closet. Yanking on his shirt and a hoodie that Allison had left in the guest closet, he shoved his feet into his shoes, bending down to quickly tie them up. He could feel Allison’s judging stare dig into his skin, but he ignored it as best as he could. As soon as he finished tying them, he patted his pockets for his phone before realizing he had forgotten it at Andrew’s. 

“Good luck,” Allison said, approaching him. She batted away his nervous hands trying their best to zip up his jacket and did it for him, “I hope you get whatever it is that you need out of this, Josten.”

“I hope so, too,” Neil said. “And thanks. For letting me crash, and for, uh, you know–”

Allison thankfully cut him off, “I know. Just know my door is always open, yeah?”

“Thanks,” Neil said again, giving her a small smile. 

Allison rolled her eyes before stepping forward and giving him a quick hug. She squeezed him tight before letting go, taking a step back. “Give ‘im hell for me.” 

He barely remembered stepping out of her home or hearing the sound of the door closing behind him. He felt like he was walking towards a cliff, but he was too anxious to see what he would find at the bottom to turn back and run. The ding of the elevator almost made him jump, startling him out of his anxious thoughts. The shiny silver doors pushed open, revealing to him the classically designed lobby that only people like Allison had the privilege to afford. Chandeliers adorned it like houseplants and the waxed floor sparkled bright, but Neil ignored it all. His eyes met Andrew’s and not even the world ending could have made him look away.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's a long journey right guys lolllll
> 
> your encouraging comments help so much, like genuinely. you pump me up and remind me to keep going, so im insanely grateful for all you out there helping me regain motivation to keep going
> 
> i also really really reallyyy wanna thank my beta pomponia who has helped me so insanely much it's shocking she's stuck around lol. without her, i dont know how this fic could carry on the way it does and for that im grateful for her and shes on ao3 as well as tumblr (pomponia) so please go let her know she's loved and her work is appreciate :D


	9. Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> waddup im not dead  
> also this andrew's POV   
> ill let you know when we switch back

Never would Andrew deny that he could be an emotionless bastard towards some people, and, well, the world in general. For a long time, not many things aroused his interests or affected him in any way, with the exception of Neil. Neil was always the exception, Andrew supposed. Neil was pure fire and spite, and no one got a reaction out of him the way he did. He made Andrew feel things he didn’t know he was capable of feeling. Even just thinking about the redhead swelled up things inside Andrew that he didn’t know what to call. For the longest time, all he knew was that the idea of Neil not being anywhere he could find him made him want to smoke an entire pack. He didn’t ever want to experience what it felt to discover Neil _gone_.

And once more he was gone. 

“Have you considered yet that you’re in love with Neil?” Renee had said to him once, but Andrew had brushed her words off. What existed between him and Neil wasn’t _love_. Love didn’t fit the bill, it didn’t even begin to cover him and Neil. It was different. It was constant and stable and reassuring.

Bee didn’t like putting words in his mouth, but once upon a time, many years ago, she had let it slip off-hours during one of Wymack’s get-togethers that Andrew knew love, he just didn’t _know_ he did. His experience with twisted people who offered twisted interpretations of the word ‘love’ had just warped his mind of what it actually meant.

 _You don’t know how to define it_ , she had hiccupped, a little drunk, _But you know how to feel it._

It had been a bit uncalled for, but Andrew hadn’t let himself get angry over it.

She had continued, pink cheeked and swaying, _how can you say what you feel for Neil isn’t love? It fits the bill perfectly._

Which...

Of course, Andrew had shrugged those words off with a snarky remark about mouthy boys and Bee’s unprofessionalism, but he had still thought about them for many nights after. He spent days, weeks, observing Neil and his little quirks, and also how he reacted to them. That failed too quickly, as more often than not Andrew found himself distracted by said quirks. 

Neil was an addiction, and Andrew had gone so long without it that for a while he had felt ok.

For those years at Palmetto, Neil had become an anchor for him. A presence that had made his shoulders lower, one that softened him ways that had made him borderline pissed. Neil was a map he had learned every tear, every groove, every splatter of and being without him after Palmetto had been…different. Half the time back then he hadn’t been able to decide if Neil had become an addiction for him or not. Being away from him had him back to feeling like he was walking on glass, but it had also taught him how to navigate his own map.

It hadn’t been easy, but he’d settled in his new life and grown roots and branches and leaves and, sometimes, flowers. Keeping up with his sessions with Bee had helped him a significant amount, whether he had realized it at the time or not. Now, however, he could see just the amount that he changed and matured. 

Bee had been the one to tell him about this flower analogy, and although it made him cringe every time he thought about, he couldn’t help but agree. In his years away, he had consulted in Bee about this very analogy, alongside the map one. Sometimes it was better to use words like ‘map’ and ‘flowers’ than it was to use ones like ‘love’.

He asked her, _Should I feel guilty for growing flowers without Neil when he had been right there to grow them for me?_

Guilt. A feeling Andrew had come to know intimately.

Andrew shook his head clear of these thoughts with no effect. Mind bombarded with the expression that had twisted the features of Neil’s face mere hours ago, Andrew dug his fingers deeper into his pockets until he could feel the threads of his coat strain. He rarely regretted anything, but this whole week hadn’t unfolded the way he had wanted it to. He wanted to blame Derek, but he knew the problem went deeper than that.

Tilting his head back to stare at the smooth white ceiling high above him, Andrew huffed out a breath. He was dressed in an all-black ensemble, his precisely ripped jeans contrasting almost hilariously with the white and gold of one of New York’s finest and most expensive buildings. Chandeliers were hung wherever there was space, large and glittering and expensive. The lobby was well lit and warm enough to thaw out the cold in Andrew’s cheeks from his time outside.

Finding this place had been both easy and hard. Remembering Allison’s address from a time when he had given Nicky a ride to it hadn’t taken too long to dig up, but actually getting to it had taken an effort that was more than physical. 

Once again, his mind wandered back to unpleasant thoughts. The sound of the door slamming behind Neil had sent Andrew’s body seizing the last night, his muscles tightening, jaw working, and he hadn’t loosened since. He had been left alone with nothing but the faint echoing sounds of Neil’s steps in the hallway and Derek’s huffing irritation. He had wanted to yank the door open – _forget Derek_ – and find Neil and tell him. That.

What would Andrew have possibly told him? With the way Neil had been riding his emotions and Derek had stood firm, arms crossed and comfortable in his home, Andrew had known it hadn’t been the right time. He had to change strategy.

He knew that in that moment he needed to let Neil run and hide and recuperate. He knew Neil needed to lick his wounds before he could meet Andrew’s eyes again, and Andrew needed. Needed.

Andrew needed Neil, but there was something he had to settle before he could let himself face Neil with a clear head.

The slam of the door vibrating in his very bones, Andrew hadn’t spent too long glaring at nothing. Fists clenched at his side, shoulders squared, Andrew had rounded on Derek. A snarl curling his lips, he had stalked up to the taller man until they were a meter apart.

“Out.”

“Andrew–”

“I will not repeat myself.”

Derek had looked at Andrew with his arms crossed over his chest and an expression that looked both angry and sad. “Don’t fucking turn this on me. You’re the one who fucked up,” He snapped.

Closing his eyes, Andrew had inhaled sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose, “What the hell are you talking about?”

Derek had swallowed hard enough to be audible, pushing past Andrew, “If you love him so fucking much and _this_ is how you show him, I feel bad for the poor bastard. Call me when you get your shit together.” He hadn’t looked back once as he left.

Andrew snapped back to reality. Wiping his dirty shoes against the red carpet, he ignored the dirty looks he knew the staff were directing at him. Just as he raised an eyebrow in challenge at a female staff member with a tight bun, he heard the elevator softly ding.

Nearly giving himself whiplash as he turned his attention to it, he held his breath as the elevator doors smoothly slid open, revealing to him a Neil standing in the same clothes he had escaped in. Andrew’s hands tightened into fists in his pockets, fighting the urge to walk up to Neil and grab him by the shoulders and spit out, _Don’t leave this time._

Neil mimicked his stance, shoving his own hands into the pockets of his jeans, all casual-like. But Andrew saw the dips of his neck as he took a deep breath, the bulge of his Adam’s apple as he swallowed a thick knot in his throat. Neil’s blue eyes burned with feeling and Andrew wanted to be ignited.

Neil almost moved in slow motion and Andrew stood waiting still as a statue for him. Each step made a clean and crisp sound, ringing in Andrew’s ears. Each one brought him closer and closer until they were an arm’s length from one another. Neil looked at him, eyes still so bright despite his hooded lids. A frown pulled at the corner of his mouth, a wrinkle in his brow twitching. Andrew wanted to reach out and smooth the planes of his face and feel the contrast of smooth and scarred skin.

Andrew knew he had to be the first to say something. After all, what could Neil possibly say right now? The ball was in his court now. Before the silence could stretch too thin, Andrew curled his hand around Neil’s phone in his pocket, bringing it out and holding it to Neil.

“You forgot this.”

Neil took it wordlessly, being obviously careful of not letting his fingers brush Andrew’s. A sudden dull pang hit the center of Andrew’s chest, but he brushed it off.

“Come on,” Andrew said. “Let’s get out of here.”

He turned his body slightly towards the door, waiting for Neil to follow him. They walked side by side with at least a foot of space between their shoulders.

Immediately, the ice of the air enveloped them in a shock. Andrew watched Neil let out a warm breath, watching the white puff of it disappear. He nodded in the direction of the sidewalk on their left, Neil instantly following him without questioning where they were going.

Their pace was slow and cautious, Andrew knowing all-too well about Neil’s clumsiness when it came to sidewalks in winter. The amount of times Andrew has had to pick the read-head’s butt off the ground was almost funny.

Andrew spoke first once more, “Aren’t you going to ask me where my car is?”

Neil shrugged, warily watching the ground for patches of ice. Already the tip of his nose was turning an infuriatingly endearing pink.

“Or how I found you?”

Neil shrugged once more, this time biting the bottom of his lip, letting Andrew know that he was holding back what he actually wanted to say.

“After– ” Andrew stopped. Swallowing the saliva in his mouth, he continued, “After you left, I didn’t know what to do. Believe it or not,” he said wryly, “I’m not exactly an expert at these things.”

“These things?” Neil asked, a certain inflection in his tone that made Andrew want to take back the last seven seconds.

“Emotions.” Andrew supplied, admitting openly the obvious. “Or you. That’s something I figured out given the pure shit of last night.”

Neil snorted, eyes still downcast, but now for a different reason, “That’s one way to put it.”

“And it wouldn’t exactly take a genius to figure out where you went,” Andrew said. “You only have about–” Andrew’s lips quirked, “five friends, and only one of them lives here.”

Neil hummed and the back of Andrew’s neck itched as he felt a clock begin ticking in his head. He imagined he could see the pulse jumping in Neil’s neck, and he knew the other man wouldn’t stick around long if he didn’t cut to the chase. 

“I kicked him out,” Andrew blurted, surprising himself with his tone. His voice was loud, blunt in different sort of way than usual. “I practically told him to pack his shit and get out. Since,” Andrew stopped short, starting again. “Since he’s gone…” Andrew trailed off, his eyes darting to Neil’s face.

The expression on Neil’s face warped his features slightly, his mouth almost puckering, brows furrowing, like he was concentrating intently on something. Knowing Neil, he was probably trying to concentrate hard on not concentrating on Andrew.

Andrew’s words died off mid-sentence and he adjusted his pace so that he was walking fast, Neil quickly matching his strides so that they remained side by side on the narrow sidewalk. They took their steps in sync, and Andrew didn’t doubt their hearts did too. Feeling it beat in the pulse of his neck, he opened his mouth to start again.

Neil beat him to it, “Why was he there in the first place?”

Andrew twisted his neck again to look at Neil, who remained steadfast in staring at the slate gray of the ground.

Andrew kept his eyes on him, “He’s my friend. I know you think it’s more than that, but I’m telling you right now that it’s not. What reason do I have to lie to you?”

“But you have plenty of reasons to keep things from me, right?” Neil shot back, his eyes meeting Andrew’s. They shone in anger, in hurt. A blaze so blue that Andrew almost stopped walking.

A chilly silence surrounded them for a moment, so thick it was almost physical. Like a person walking between them, taking up the space that Neil maintained from him. 

“I know,” Andrew said quietly. “I deserved that.” He took a few quick, long steps, turning to stand in Neil’s way, facing him directly. Neil reeled back at the surprise movement, causing his foot to land on a thin sheet of ice. His arms flew up as he slipped and he was about to hit the ground when Andrew sprang forward, grabbing him around his waist to hold him up. Their faces were an inch apart, so close that Andrew could count each individual eyelash that batted against Neil’s messy red bangs.

Neil pulled himself out of his arms clumsily, almost stepping once more on the same slip of ice before standing up straight. Adjusting his coat, he put his hands in his pockets, coughing, “Thanks.”

Andrew nodded in response before saying, “We’re here.”

Neil looked at what Andrew was motioning at, realizing that they were now standing in front of the very same diner that they had had coffee together what seemed like weeks ago.

Andrew could still smell the scent of coffee beans that had permeated the air, the warmth that had hugged his cold cheeks, the bitter taste of his tongue as he had laid out his insecurities in the form of words at Neil’s feet. He still felt the press of Neil’s legs against his own under the greasy table they had sat at, the ankles that had hooked at the back of his own, the playful tip of Neil’s shoe that had ran along the seam of his jeans.

“It’s closed.” Neil said, blinking at him.

And it was. The cursive neon red sign that had blinked _Open_ at them, beckoning them inside to seek refuge from New York’s unforgiving winter, was currently a dull gray. The windows were covered, but anyone passing by could see the darkness that peeked out behind them, signaling that no one was there.

At this, Andrew pulled out a ring with at least a dozen keys hooked in them, shaking them in front of Neil’s face before picking out the gold one. As he began to unlock the diner, he said, “Not for us.” At Neil’s confused stare, he explained, “I asked the owner if I could rent it out for the day. He said yes and gave me the keys.”

“When you say ‘ask’ do you actually mean threaten?”

Andrew smiled a small secretive smile, “If you’re as rich and famous as I am, it’s not exactly easy to turn me down.”

As they entered, they noticed the smell of coffee still lingered faintly in the air. By now, the scent had probably fused itself into every atom that made up this diner, but at least it was a pleasant and familiar one.

Andrew was once more greeted by the warm colour scheme of the establishment, letting his hand run along the wood of the tables as he walked further in. He looked back at Neil, who still kept his distance. He was eyeing the front counter, where the stainless steel appliances could be seen shining even in the little light that filtered through the thin blinds drawn over the large windows.

Andrew felt his insides twist and his guts clench nervously as he headed behind the counter. Neil remained on the customer end, using the counter to lean on his side as he surveyed the diner. As he looked anywhere but at Andrew.

Reaching behind one of the rather large machines, he flicked the light switch and came back around to Neil. One by one, the bulbs flickered on, washing the diner in a warm glow that added to the inviting atmosphere. He watched Neil’s own face come to life, studying and savouring the shifting of his soft pouty mouth and hooded eyes as he stared at the various exy trinkets hung up on the walls.

“Junkie,” Andrew muttered under his breath fondly.

Neil’s face shut down, his eyes snapping to Andrew’s face, “Why are we here?” The wonder that had adorned his face had become replaced with something impassive and distant and Andrew watched with a sinking feeling Neil’s shoulders squaring up defensively in a position that looked all too familiar.

Andrew could hear a lock clicking in place as he witnessed Neil begin to prepare himself for something that would surely hurt. Neil’s defences were going up, and he practically felt the waves of confusion and thoughts of _retreat retreat retreat_ taking up all the oxygen in the room.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how is this fucking story not done yet 😭😭  
> i'm literally the world's worst and slowest updater lmaoo this fic was published in march and now it's september and we still have a couple chapters to go 
> 
> your support means the world to me and literally keeps me going tho, ANDDDD i wanna give a shoutout to FOXSOULCOURT especially for making me smile and giving me motivation with their comments! 
> 
> also, the world's biggest and fattest thank you to my beta pomponia!!!! a living legend tbh
> 
> until next time 😔


	10. Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *rises from the dead*  
> still andrew's pov

“Regular black?” Andrew asked.

 

Neil met his eye, “Huh?”

 

Standing behind the counter, Andrew motioned at his surroundings before resting his palms on the counter and leaning forward, “Coffee?”

 

Neil nodded stiffly, “Sure.”

 

With that, Andrew set to work. An unpleasant feeling had made a home in his body, making him itch and practically buzz with how aware he felt of Neil. As he began to grind the coffee, he nodded at one of the booths, silently telling Neil to have a seat.

 

Hesitantly, he did so. Andrew shot sneaky glances at him, watching him peel out of his coat, the cloth hugging and stretching across his shoulders before slipping off and being carelessly thrown on to one of the seats. Neil slipped in after it, pushing it farther down the booth. His face was carefully blank, but Andrew could still read his expression. 

 

It was his  _ I’m preparing myself for something _ expression. While Neil wasn’t ugly by any means, that expression certainly was. It was too deliberate, too guarded, it reminded Andrew too much of a time long gone  that was better left buried. 

 

He worked as fast he could, making something simple for himself as well, except with lots of milk and sugar added, of course. Aggravated at the tense muscles of his shoulders that he couldn’t loosen, he finally finished and poured Neil’s coffee into a large pale brown cup. After pouring his own sugary monstrosity, he picked both cups up, not minding their searing heat, and walked around the counter. 

 

Placing them down gently, he watched Neil’s hands curl around his cup, seeking warmth. The very tip of Neil’s nose was pink, and although his lips looked dry, they too were a pretty pink colour, with the skin near the bow of his top  lip also flushed a pink tone.  Andrew wanted to reach out and push off the hoodie that Neil had thrown over his head while he had been busy. He wanted to know if his  own ears were just as pink. Actually, Andrew knew they were pink, as they always tended to get very fast in winter weather, but he just wanted to see them once again. 

 

But that had to wait.

 

He sat on the opposite end of the booth, right across from the redhead. Having been distracted earlier, Andrew realized he had left his coat on this entire time. Shrugging it off and letting it pool around his waist on his seat, he brought his own cup up to his mouth to blow at it. 

 

Neil still wouldn’t look at him. His hands remained in his lap, his back stiff. It looked like he wanted his hoodie to swallow him up. For a moment, on their walk to the diner, Andrew had felt a moment of faint hope that maybe,  _ just maybe _ , they’d come out of this okay. That he could put his thoughts and feelings into words and give himself to Neil, and have them be  _ okay _ . Now, however, that hope was draining fast. 

 

“How are you feeling?” Andrew decided to ask, but he genuinely meant it. He could guess pretty accurately how Neil must be feeling right now, but it was different to hear him say it. Also, he was a bit anxious to hear Neil talk. 

 

“I feel ok,” Neil said, still avoiding meeting his gaze. His hands were settled on his lap now and Andrew could see his arms move slightly and had no doubt that Neil was pulling on the sleeves to cover his palms. His shoulders were no longer rigid, instead hunched over. Strands of red hair fell into his eyes, and it almost seemed like a shadow had settled over his face.

 

Andrew replied, “I don’t think you’re being very honest right now.”

 

Something flitted across Neil’s face too quickly for him to decipher, “Are you of all people going to sit here and lecture me about honesty right now?”

 

Andrew bit the inside of his cheek before quietly saying, “I just want to know.”

 

There was a moment of silence before Neil shrugged. Andrew almost sighed, knowing that he had to stop beating around the bush. The only reason Neil had agreed to see him was because he wanted answers, and Andrew owed them to him. For too long he had convinced himself that he could make everything between them go back to normal, go back to how it had been before this whole mess, but he realized now that that wasn’t going to happen. He’d fucked up, and it wasn’t up to him to decide that. 

 

Andrew let go of his cup, letting his hand land palm down on the table, fingers subtly twitching with the reflex to reach out and grab Neil’s. “I,” Andrew started, “I regret what happened last night. I regret a lot of what happened this past week. I don’t usually feel like this.”

 

Neil quickly looked up at him, eyes blue and wide, before he looked down at the table once more. A muscle in his throat worked and he hunched into himself. Seeing this, Andrew’s innards clenched unpleasantly. A part of him wanted Neil to shove himself off the table, flushed with anger and to spit that anger out at him like knives. Anything was better than Neil turning away from him, anything was better than seeing the subtle looks on Neil’s face shift to apprehension and hurt and pure  _ bracing for impact _ . 

 

The corner of Neil’s mouth twitched unhappily, causing Andrew to backtrack, “I don't regret you, though. This whole weekend was kind of fucked, and although it wasn’t my intention for it to work out that way, it still did.” 

 

Neil snorted and looked out the window next to him. The blinds had been pulled up and there was a light snow beginning to blanket the city. 

 

Heat was creeping up the back of Andrew’s neck and his palms felt clammy from a nervousness he didn’t have much experience with. He knew what he needed to say and he knew what Neil needed to hear, it was just that whatever he had left to offer Neil maybe wasn’t enough anymore. The look in Neil’s eyes last night, the sadness in them, was something that Andrew hadn’t been able to forget.

 

“Neil,” Andrew said softly, not meaning to, but not minding either. He felt vulnerable, like he was walking a tightrope, “Can you look at me?” He couldn’t demand anything from Neil anymore. The question was hesitant, but the plea behind it was evident. 

 

Neil gulped hard once before jerking his head to look at him, although Andrew was suspicious he was looking past his shoulder. 

 

After a moment of silence Neil bit out, “Now what?” He was still steeling himself for something unpleasant, something he wouldn’t like. 

 

Andrew knew what Neil was desperate to know in that moment. He decided to start with, “I love you.” 

 

Neil was startled, his body automatically moving back like Andrew had tried to grab him. His hands gripped the table, nails biting hard enough into the wood that they turned white. His face seemed to tremble, eyes large and confused. 

 

“I love you, Neil Josten,” Andrew repeated, taking a breath to calm himself. “I do. You may not believe that, but I do. It took me a long time to get here, and one of the things that I regret about this past week is when I chose to tell you this. Last night was a mess,” Andrew huffed out a bitter laugh, memories awakening in his mind that he wanted to forget, “A mess that I could have fixed, or stopped sooner, but I didn’t.” 

 

Before he continued, Neil inhaled sharply, the tendons in his neck sticking out for a moment as he did so, “Before I say anything else, though, I want you to know that I love you,” Each time he said it, the heavy presence that had hung over his heart since last night lessened. It felt like he was stretching muscles he didn’t even know he had, like he’d spent years lying down and only now stood up, his joints clicking and popping in a way that was both painful and freeing. 

 

He continued, “Maybe you don’t believe that anymore, and I know I’m to blame for that, but if I had a single honest thing to say to you right now, it would be exactly that.” The words rolled off his tongue, the taste sweet yet bitter, truthful yet fearful. He needed Neil to know this. He wanted to grab Neil by the shoulders, shake him and tell him to never doubt him anymore. He wanted to feel the familiarity of Neil’s skin against his own, to cup his cold-bitten cheeks and kiss his dumb mouth until he couldn’t breathe. He needed Neil to believe him, and now that he had said those words to him, he couldn’t stop. 

 

Andrew let those words sink into Neil, let himself sink into the vulnerability apparent on the features of Neil’s face. He scooted himself forward in his seat until he made contact with the table, “I love you.”

 

Neil’s eyes were shiny as he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, face crumpling just enough to make Andrew’s heart thud painfully against his chest. Neil looked back out the window for a second, trying but failing to compose himself. A strand of hair fell into his eyes and Andrew watched him rapidly blink as he messily pushed it to the side before it once more settled back in the same position. 

 

Andrew wanted Neil to tell him he loved him back, but that wasn’t the goal. 

 

“This whole week’s been fucked – You know what I had planned for us?” Andrew waited until Neil shrugged. “I wanted to play with you again. I wanted to watch you get competitive and excited even though I’d threaten you to calm down or else I’d take you back home. I wanted to make dinner for you – just the two of us – and I wanted to set up the table real nice, with candles and everything. I wanted to drag you to a department store besides Target and find you some proper clothes.” Andrew said. “Funny, that’s one of the reasons I came to see you.” 

 

Neil made a noise of question and Andrew was glad to see him look at him. His lips were slightly pursed, chin sticking out the way it did sometimes when Neil was curious about something. 

 

“It was the first thing that made me want to come see you again,” Andrew continued. “It was a few weeks ago. A teammate,” Andrew was careful not to say Derek. “Had one of your games playing and the first thing I noticed were your ratty shoes.” He smirked a little. “Almost made me angry.” 

 

Neil’s face didn’t move but his tone was disbelieving, “You wanted to see me because you hated my shoes?”

 

“No, I came down to see you because after watching you, for the first time in a long time I let myself think of you. Whenever,” Andrew cut himself off before continuing. “For the longest time, I didn’t let myself think about you. Contrary to what you may believe, it wasn’t exactly easy for me either. Us not being us.” 

 

Neil’s brow crinkled and then smoothed out just as fast, “You’re the one who made that decision in the first place, so I don’t know what you’re complaining about.” 

 

Andrew knew he deserved that, but it didn’t feel good. He wished he could tell Neil everything, and he could, but it was hard. It was hard to put what he had been feeling for the past two years into words and hard to rationalize it to Neil, who had not just been hurt by him but also left in the dark. Neil must have a thousand questions and accusations to throw at him, but he had remained fairly civil so far. 

 

Andrew agreed with him, making sure to look at him when he said, “I know.” He took a pause and looked out the window, finding the right words to say when Neil made a noise, making him turn back to look at him. 

 

“ _ You know _ ,” Neil repeated bitterly, his shoulders having drawn in a position that Andrew recognized. “You say you love me, and then you say you know you treated me like shit, so where does that leave us? I’m trying to understand you – you’ve been the only fucking thing on my mind, but I want more that this. I want  _ more _ than an ‘I love you’.” 

 

An uncomfortable thickness had formed in Andrew’s throat, making it difficult to swallow. He looks down at the table, eyes following the lines of the various scratches littering the paint. As the seconds ticked by, he felt an impending sense of dread encase the room and envelope the yanking feeling in his heart. 

 

It felt like a flower being plucked of its petals, falling one by one, until nothing but a bare, ugly bud was left. 

 

“Do you understand?” Andrew looked up, his chest squeezing tight as he heard the break in Neil’s voice. “Do you understand?”

 

“I do,” Andrew said. “I just need to explain this better to you.”

 

“What exactly do you want to explain to me? Or are just going to give me bits and pieces again – because I’m not going to fucking take your scraps, Andrew. I can’t only have a tiny piece of you and call it enough. Call me selfish if you want, but I don’t think I can anymore. I need  _ you _ , not a mask of you. Not a version of you.” Biting these words out, Neil’s jaw clenched as he grit his teeth and fought back the pools in his eyes. 

 

“I will explain everything to you. Any question you have, I’ll answer it–”

 

Neil cut him off, “Why should I believe what you say? I don’t even think I know who you are anymore – you’ve got a whole new life here. You say you want me to stay but you won’t open the fucking door to let me in–” Neil stopped abruptly, his voice haven risen with each sentence.

 

Andrew watched and witnessed Neil’s anger boiling over. He watched Neil angrily wipe at the tears that had begun to stream down to his cheeks as he rapidly blinked to fight them back. Andrew’s insides felt twisted and knotted, and all he wanted to do was soothe Neil, but he knew that if he even tried to touch him right now it would set off something ugly. Neil needed to get this out before they could move forward. He just hoped the other man didn’t leave before they could. 

 

“The door is wide open for you,” Andrew said, hearing the desperation creep into his voice. At this point, he didn’t really care what he sounded like – he just needed to say it. “It’s been open for you all this time, but” He looked for the right words. “I set up too many obstacles for you to get there. The whole thing with Derek was a shit-show. I shouldn’t have let him insert himself into our week like that.”

 

“Oh, so that you could keep him a secret from me, then?” Neil snapped, a snarl at his mouth. “Or so that you could keep me a secret from him?” 

 

Andrew stopped short over his words, feeling a sweat break out at his hairline, “That’s not what I meant, Neil, just give me some time to explain. Let’s just sit here and drink our coffee. As soon as we reach the bottom of our cups, I’ll stop asking you to stay. But for now…”

 

Neil wiped away the last of his tears, giving a quiet sniff, “I already gave you time. You keep asking me to stay for just a little bit longer – but it feels like I keep giving you time and you won’t give me anything in return. What am I waiting for? What do you even want from me?”

 

“Right now, I just need you to listen.” Andrew said, hand sliding across the table, turning it over so that the palm faced up. Fingers slightly curled, it looked inviting and soft despite the callouses. “Of course, you could get up and leave whenever you want, but, can you promise to try to stay for just a little while longer?”

 

Neil stared at the hand warily, like it was a cobra waiting to strike. “But what do you want from me? I need to know – you say you love me, but do you want to love me?”

 

Andrew breathed in, “I’m willing to have whatever you’re willing to give me right now. But I do love you, and I do want to love you. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t be here right now.”

 

“Do you want to kiss me?” Neil blurted, demanding an answer. 

 

Andrew leaned back in surprise at the sudden question, “What?”

 

“I said, do you want to kiss me? Is it a yes or no?” 

 

Andrew’s closed his mouth, hearing the click of his teeth, and then said, “I do.”

 

Neil got up, the table shaking in shock at the sudden motion. He moved quickly to Andrew’s side of the booth, scooting in next to him and turning his body so that his knees almost touched Andrew’s. This close, Andrew could count the freckles of his face, but he forced himself to focus on Neil’s eyes.

 

He asked, “What are you doing?”

 

Neil’s eyes flicked back and forth quickly as if they were searching for something in Andrew’s, like he was trying to figure out a code or an answer to a question he desperately needed. 

 

“I want to kiss you, too,” Neil said, his face getting closer to Andrew’s. Andrew could feel the warmth of Neil’s breathe against his lips, brushing against his cheeks. He smelled like winter and coffee, and Andrew soon found his eyes zeroing in on Neil’s mouth. 

 

“No,” Andrew said just as their lips were about to touch. 

 

Neil pulled back like he had been electrocuted, “No?” 

 

“I want to kiss you, but not if you’re going to be like this,” Andrew explained. At this, Neil got up sharply, banging his knee against the table in the process. He glared down at Andrew, fists clenched at his side, looking like a kid. 

 

“Be like what?” Neil demanded angrily, looking down at him. At this, Andrew scooted further back to put some distance between them. 

 

“Why do you want to kiss me all of a sudden? You were angry at me just a second ago.” Andrew said, still looking up at Neil, feeling he just got whiplash from the way Neil’s mood was changing. 

 

“Why? Am I not allowed to want to kiss you anymore?” Andrew could see Neil getting angrier and angrier by the second. No matter how hard he tried to be reasonable, it was clear that with each passing second the wounds that Neil had collected over the past week, over the past two years, were ripping open once more. Once Neil let himself indulge in his anger and ride its waves and choppy waters, it was hard to get him to come to shore.

 

Andrew continued watching him, for some reason not believing that Neil wanted to kiss him for the purpose of just kissing him. 

 

Neil began to get out of the booth but within a second Andrew caught hold of one of his sleeves in a tight grip. Andrew got up, letting go of the sleeve once it looked like Neil wasn’t going to move. 

 

He asked, “What are you really thinking right now?”

 

“Do you not want to kiss me?” Neil shot back, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s ok if you don’t. I won’t force you, but you don’t have to lie to me.”

 

Andrew said plainly, “I’m not lying to you.”

 

“Then why’d you say yes in the first place? It’s ok to change your mind, but don’t send me mixed signals or make that face.”

 

“Neil,” Andrew said, exasperated.

 

Neil stared at him hard, arms still crossed tight. His leg was bouncing slightly, like he was anxious and needed something to do. 

 

It finally dawned on Andrew what Neil was going on about. The confusion washed off his face, “This is about Derek.” 

 

Neil’s whole body jerked back, like someone had grabbed him by the shoulder and yanked him away. The angry expression on his face dropped and instead one that made Andrew want to pull out his own hair replaced it. If Neil’s face had been vulnerable before, now it was so impossibly exposed that Andrew couldn’t even find the right word for it. It was a mix of sadness and confusion and insecurity, and Andrew hated himself in that moment. Maybe he should have started with that. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yup yup i'm terrible at updating i know!!!!   
> good news: there's only a few chapters left lmao
> 
> i genuinely hope you guys are enjoying this - i have trouble with writing certain plot points, making it consistent, etc. but yeah....that's why my beta pomponia is a living legend tho and has helped me so much so a big thank you to her!
> 
> if you could leave a kudos and comments i promise you i will cherish it forever lol  
> until next time 😣


	11. Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a lot of back-and-forth in this story, and that's intentional.  
> nothing about this break-up was clean. getting back together won't be easy. questions need to be answered, and answers need to be given fully. people get angry, people feel confused, and people need reassurance.

Andrew should have started with Derek. 

 

Still sitting across from Neil, he wished he could express everything that he was feeling and had felt in the past towards the other man. He just wished it wasn’t so hard to. There was a lot to unpack, and looking in the other man’s red eyes, he knew he had to be careful with his words. 

 

“Every time I think about you…and Derek,” Neil said hesitantly, eyes automatically looking away from Andrew. “Which is a lot…I can’t control myself. I just don’t understand you right now. I’m trying really hard. I want what you say to me to make sense, but I just can’t stop thinking about you and him.”

 

A moment passed between them as Andrew worked up the courage to lean forward and tug one of Neil’s arm until it rested on the table. He put his hand on top of Neil’s, cautiously letting his thumb brush against it. Squeezing it, he looked up, “I’m not involved with Derek. Whatever you’re thinking, it’s wrong. Neil,” Andrew waited for the other man to meet his eye. “There never has and there never will be anything beyond friendship between Derek and I.” 

 

Neill looked distrustful, “I want to believe that.” 

 

“I want you to know that,” Andrew replied, squeezing Neil’s hand once more. 

 

“You don’t feel anything for him?” 

 

“No,” The blond vowed. “You’re the only one.” 

 

“I don’t think he feels the same way.” Neil mumbled.

 

“I know.”

 

“You encouraged him.”

 

Andrew pulled his hand back, immediately regretting it when he saw the way Neil flinched at the sudden movement, “That wasn’t my intention. He’s my friend, even if you don’t like it. He’s an ass, but he’s my friend.” 

 

Neil shot him a thinly veiled betrayed look at this admittance, but Andrew kept going, “There’s not much I had after leaving you behind. Everything was new, and you weren’t there, but then Derek was.” Andrew stressed, “But there was nothing romantic or sexual between Derek and I.”

 

“‘Nothing’. Sounds familiar,” Neil smirked bitterly, then, “Why should I believe that?”

 

“You have my word-”

 

“No offense, but your word doesn’t exactly hold much weight right now”

 

Andrew sucked in a breath. Knowing that already didn’t make the impact of that blow any easier to take, “What can I do to make you believe me?”

 

“I don’t know,” Neil sounded painfully honest.

 

Silence.

 

“This week wasn’t supposed to go like this. I had everything planned out, but then suddenly Derek was there and I was thrown off. I had to balance both of your feelings.”

 

“You didn’t balance our feelings, Andrew. You put his above mine. Why do you even care so much about his? Why is he so valuable to you that you had to keep me in the dark?”

 

Andrew let those words sink in, “I had to. For now. He’s my friend-” He cut himself off, trying to explain the whole mess that made this Derek situation ten times more complicated than it had to be.

 

Friends. He didn’t have much experience with those. Most people were either fascinated by him and stayed at a distance or were scared of him and stayed at a distance. Either way, while the gaps in Andrew’s life had closed and healed somewhat, there weren’t many people he could consider to be his friend.

 

More silence. Neil avoided his eyes. He looked exhausted. Just ready to leave. 

 

“By the time I came to New York, I knew that we couldn’t carry on.” Andrew spoke. “I knew we had to stop, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t imagine looking you in the eye and telling you what I thought needed to be said.” He admitted. He struggled for the right words. _Fucking Moriyamas_ , he thought. 

 

“You decided you didn’t want to be with me anymore, so you just ignored me? Hoped I’d stop calling eventually?”

 

A feeling of hopelessness began to spread like a black hole in Andrew’s chest. He knew his explanations weren’t enough. He could already hear the sound of Neil walking away. 

He was ready to blurt out just about anything to make Neil stay. He wanted to say it eloquently, he wanted to paint the picture as accurately as he could for Neil, but the clock was ticking and it was time to be as simple and as straight-forward as possible, “I made a promise to protect you during my last months at Palmetto.”

 

“Protect me?” Neil jumped, surprise and anger marring his features. “I made you take your promise back. It’s not your job to protect me. Especially not by continuously keeping me in the dark.”

 

Andrew didn’t stop, wishing for something to stick, “I made a promise to myself that I would protect you. After fucking Baltimore, you were held together by nothing but strips of tape and cloth. Seeing you-” He forced himself to slow down, “Seeing you like that wasn’t something I was ready to experience again. I’m still not.”

 

Neil looked angry, but he knew how seriously Andrew took his promises. He knew the lengths he would go to keep them, so he sat there, boiling in anger, but Andrew knew it was his way of letting him explain. 

 

So, he started at the top. 

 

The conversation surrounding Andrew’s departure from Palmetto had been a stifling one, at the very least. Practically every day Andrew had witnessed Neil’s short but still stressful lapses of fear at the very mention of it. More than anyone, he knew it would be Neil who would miss him the most. Miss him. What a strange concept. 

 

Besides Neil’s nerves, the person second most stressed about Andrew’s life post-graduation was Kevin Day, the devil himself. Usually, it was on the field that Andrew found the tall man most infuriating, but the months leading up to his graduation had been when Kevin had really wrung out every last bit of tolerance left in Andrew’s veins. Whether through calling at odd hours of the night or visiting during his days off, Kevin had constantly been on the rampage about what the future held for Andrew, what the contracts that were offered to him meant. It seemed like he had advice to give on just about anything. 

 

 _Stop smashing the racquet so much_ , Kevin would often bitch, _you only one have one other back-up at games. You can’t be doing this when you go professional._

 

It wasn’t uncommon for this incessant nagging to result in Kevin having to dodge said racquet or being hung up on. Regardless, Andrew’s aggression wasn’t always a good deterrence against Kevin’s own naturally persistent and aggressive personality. Renee said to him early on when he had first met the star player that it was just his own way of showing that he cared. But Andrew could have cared less about Kevin’s misguided intentions, he just wondered whether murdering Kevin would be worth being forced back on his meds. 

 

What Andrew had thought had been the last straw had been when Kevin had walked in on an intimate moment between him and Neil. It had been past midnight and the three of them had just finished another intense private practice session. Kevin had quickly showered and left to what Andrew thought had been the car, leaving him alone with Neil. Deciding to take advantage of this incorrectly assumed privacy, within just a few moments, Andrew had found himself standing in front of Neil, who sat on the bench. Tilting Neil’s chin up, he leaned down to press a soft kiss at Neil’s lips when the door had slammed open, crashing against the wall. 

 

_Neil jumped just enough for Andrew to catch, causing him to roll his eyes. He took back his hand and straightened. Kevin stood in the doorway with a look that didn’t exactly look friendly etched on his face. Andrew could practically hear the verbal whipping he and Neil were about to receive._

 

_However, Kevin kept his mouth zipped. While Neil looked relieved, Andrew knew it was still coming._

 

_“Shut up,” He said once they were all piled in his car. Kevin’s mouth had barely opened at this point, sending a dirty look to the back of his head._

 

_Reaching the parking lot of the dorms, Andrew rolled down his window and lit a cigarette. Balancing it in his mouth, he concentrated on the flick of the flame that burned the end amber. He inhaled deeply and closed his eyes, counting down before blowing the smoke out into the cool night air._

 

_He said, “Go ahead without us.” This was pointed at Neil, who only gave him a short glance before getting out of the door, no doubt headed for the roof to wait for him._

 

_Letting his arm dangle casually out the window, flicking his cigarette carelessly, he watched Neil leave, and when he was gone he directed his attention down to the flecks of amber falling onto the yellow painted line on the ground._

 

_Andrew contemplated exactly how he could teach Kevin to mind his own fucking business._

 

_Kevin huffed out an annoyed breath behind him before he heard the grunts and thumps of his large body attempting to squeeze into the passenger seat, where he collapsed heavily. The car wobbled before steadying. Kevin spread his knees as far as they could go and scratched the back of his neck before folding his arms over his chest._

 

_“What.” Kevin said flatly, looking at him. Andrew raised his brows cooly, blowing out another puff smoke, letting it fill the air between them. Neil was a much better sight in that seat._

 

_The smoke dissipated and Andrew carelessly tossed the cigarette out the window, “Neil and I,” He said slowly, dumbing his words down for the jock. “Are not any of your business. You need to learn that.”_

 

_“None of my business?” Kevin asked incredulously. “I’ve spent too long helping Neil become the player he is today. I’m not gonna apologize for getting angry at you two for throwing all my hard work out the window.”_

 

_Andrew rolled his eyes, fingers itching for another cigarette, “Don’t worry your pretty little head, Day. Neil and I are big boys now, we can take care of ourselves. See?” At this, he used his knuckle to mockingly nudge Kevin’s face away. He could practically see the angry steam coming out of his ears._

 

_“Just remember, you won’t always be able to protect him. You’re leaving and soon he will be, too. How likely is it that you’ll end up on the same team, much less in the same state?” Kevin threw back at him. “Whatever this promise is that you made, I don’t really care what it involves, but know that you won’t be able to keep it the way you want.” When Andrew said nothing, he carried on. “Face it, you can’t protect him and be so careless at the same time. If the public even gets a whiff of this, the Moriyamas will be out for blood.” Kevin paused. “Do you think Neil has any left to spare?”_

 

_Andrew snarled at this. Unclenching his jaw, he spat, “Stay. The Fuck. Out of this. And get the fuck out of my car.”_

 

_Kevin, sensing the danger, practically launched himself out the door before slamming it shut. Andrew watched him walk through the darkness, his frame a mere silhouette as he approached the brightly lit lobby. He kept his eyes on him until even his shadow was gone. As Kevin let his field of view, Andrew let out a curse and shoved himself out of the car._

 

_Taking two steps at a time, he took the stairs all the way to the roof, ramming at the stubborn door that kept the other residents uninterested in whatever lay up there._

 

_Neil, legs dangling over the edge, looked up at the commotion. Wearing Andrew’s jacket, his hands were digging for warmth in their pockets. At the sight of Andrew’s visibly ticked figure, he got up and approached him cautiously._

 

_“Andrew?” Neil asked._

 

_Andrew closed his eyes and made himself count to ten in Russian. When he opened them, Neil still stood before him, his hands once more deep in his pockets._

 

_“Yes or no?” Andrew asked._

 

_“It’s always a yes,” Neil answered for the umpteenth time, still as infuriating as ever._

 

_Not bothering to tell him off for saying always, Andrew reached forward and wrapped an arm around Neil’s waist, pulling him in until their torsos were pressed together. Neil’s face was still smiling, his lips quirking up in relief._

 

_Andrew brought their faces closer, watching that smile spread further as he brushed their noses softly together. Neil’s hand grabbed one of his elbows, letting it trail up his arm over his shoulder, before burying it in his hair._

 

_Tugging at the curls, Neil let out a quiet noise when Andrew nuzzled into his neck and began to kiss and nip at it. Biting softly at the skin of his jaw, he brought his face back up until it was almost leveled with the other man’s. He leaned forward, meeting Neil’s lips half way._

 

_“Andrew,” Neil breathed against his mouth as he pulled back for air. Not wanting to stop, Andrew had kept his grip firm on Neil’s hair before capturing his lips once more. This kiss was a lot messier, a tinge of desperation blooming at their taste buds._

 

_They kissed until their mouths felt a little numb and the cold hurt their exploring fingers. As Andrew drew away from the kiss, he squeezed his arms around Neil’s waist. Neil’s own arms were resting on his shoulders, holding them close so that their foreheads touched. For a moment, they breathed each other in, eyes closed, feeling centered._

 

_Andrew opened his first, surprised to see Neil’s mouth smiling._

 

_‘Junkie’, he thought, fighting back his own._

 

_His eyes traced the lines of Neil’s full mouth, catching on that little mole that marked the bottom left of it. He dove in for another kiss._

 

_Neil made a low noise when he realized it was softer and tamer than the ones before. His eyes blinked slowly as they pulled back, Andrew counting each one. Feeling better, he tilted his chin up and blew lightly at Neil’s face, forcing him to blink rapidly. Some of his hair cleared his forehead and Andrew brushed them back into place._

 

_“Close your eyes,” Andrew murmured. Once Neil did so, he kissed him again, pressing their lips together for one second, two seconds, three seconds, pulling away noisily, Neil’s lips chasing his. At Neil’s furrowed brow, he said, “Let’s go.”_

 

_Neil followed him as they made their way downstairs. In their dorm, they pulled on shirts that belonged to both of them, and crawled into Andrew’s bed. They didn’t always do this, but it was something that was becoming more and more common. It had taken a long time to come to this point, but it had been worth it._

 

_Neil moved up against him._

 

_“What did you and Kevin talk about?” Neil asked quietly, breathing in the detergent smell absorbed in Andrew’s sweater. His face was snuggled up against his chest, his cheek squished._

 

_“Don’t worry about it,” Andrew replied, letting his fingers work through Neil’s hair and unknot some of the strands. “Just told him to go fuck himself.”_

 

_Neil snorted, letting his fingers drum against Andrew’s chest, “Well whatever you said to him seemed to have affected you quite a bit, given those kisses.”_

 

_In response to this, Andrew flicked Neil’s temple, making him laugh and slap his palm against it to protect it from more assaults. Once his laughter died down, they continued in their pleasant silence together._

 

_The beating of Neil’s heart slowed, and Andrew could physically feel himself being drawn into thoughts he didn’t want to explore. As Kevin’s words played back in his brain, he felt himself dig deeper and deeper into what the future may hold. Suddenly needing some space to breathe, he gently removed himself from Neil’s hold and scooted back until there was some empty space between them._

 

_Flat on his back, hands resting on his stomach, he realized he had to be more careful. No one truly knew what the future held for them, but Andrew was sickened with the knowledge that the Moriyamas would surely be a foreboding presence in Neil’s._

 

_Perhaps Kevin had a good point, Andrew begrudgingly thought, stomach feeling funny._

 

Of course, now, looking back at this, Andrew felt angry and frustrated with himself. 

 

“It felt more real than before,” he explained. “I always knew that we would, at one point, have to at least be physically separate, but it never felt real until that night. After Baltimore, I still don’t think you understand how angry I was with you as well as myself. Seeing what he did to you, and what you let him do to you–” 

 

“Don’t blame this on me.” Neil said. “We are not going to  turn this into a ‘blame Neil’ thing. That’s not what this is about.”

 

After a beat, Andrew caved and nodded, “This whole mess was my fault, I know that. I didn’t intend to sound like that. It’s just that seeing what happened to you after Baltimore – It was difficult to get out of my head. And that was just what your father was capable of. On that night, I felt like I had begun to lose my grip on something. Like I was still hanging on tight, but something had begun prying my fingers off one by one. I couldn’t protect you from your father even when I was less than a few meters away from you. How could I do that from another state?” Andrew swallowed. “I asked myself that a lot.” 

 

It didn’t feel easy to admit that he felt that way, that he had felt so helpless in those moments, and that infuriated him. 

 

“And that’s when it started.” He continued. “It was all I could think about. What would happen to you if someone found out you were with a man? Our own team had people who hated us for it, who abused you for it. I’d seen it happen it to you, happen to Nicky, and had it happen to me, too.” Andrew took a breath to calm himself. “Fucking sports fans don’t exactly have a reputation of being understanding.” 

 

“It would reach the Moriyamas,” Neil said for him. He laughed, wet and in disbelief. “You left me because you didn’t want some shit-for-brains exy fans hating me. You were so caught up in protecting me that you didn’t even realize you were the one hurting me in the first place. You underestimate me – I _don’t need you to be making these decisions for me._ I can protect myself.”

 

Andrew said, “I should have told you how I felt, but I didn’t, and that means I fucked up. But I had made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t ever play a part in you getting hurt, and I intended to keep it.”

 

“So only now you realize you ‘fucked’ up?” Neil’s tone was still pissed, regardless of whether he understood where Andrew was coming from or not. “You didn’t believe in my own abilities to protect myself, and you didn’t tell me anything. All because you wanted to ‘protect’ me.” He made sarcastic quotation marks at this. 

 

A vein thrummed distantly beneath the skin of Andrew’s temple, “I wanted to protect you because you didn’t protect yourself.”

 

“I’m not a goddamn child.” Neil snapped. “I can take care of myself.”

 

“Well, you sure did convince everyone you didn’t know how. Every time I looked away, every time I so much as _glanced_ away from you, you found trouble. How was that supposed to make me feel?” 

 

“It doesn’t fucking matter right now how it made you feel, what matters is that you felt this and never brought it up with me.” 

 

Andrew took a deep breath to calm himself, pinching the bridge of his nose, “I don’t want to fight right now.” He looked back up at Neil. “I know that I was wrong. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m not asking you for forgiveness, I just want you to listen. You don’t owe me anything right now, but I want to explain myself. Can I?” 

 

At this, Neil looked like he regretted their argument somewhat, too, “Ok. It’s just. Hard. To not get angry.”

 

The blond nodded, “I understand.”

 

Neil shook his head, looking at the window with his eyebrows pulled together angrily, “You should have just told me.”

 

Andrew nodded, “I considered that. But you never would have agreed.”

 

“Because it’s my decision to make.”

 

“It’s also mine.” Andrew argued softly. “I want a say in whether or not I hurt you. I chose not to hurt you, and at the time that decision felt like the right thing.”

 

“And now? Does it feel like the right decision?” Neil needed reassurance.

 

“I wish I’d done things differently, but I can’t take it back. Maybe, in some way I did protect you. I don’t know, and I never will. All I know is that you’re here right now and you’re safe. I know that I’ve spent all of last night going over every plan, every decision, every possible outcome of us, and I know that I want us back.”

 

“So what’s your plan?” Neil asked, looking at him briefly before staring down at the table. 

 

“Tell you I love you. That I let Derek fuck things up, and that I feel sorry. It wasn’t my intention to do so, but that doesn’t matter,” At Neil’s silence, he went on, “I want us to be a better us this time around. No more running, no more lies, no more keeping secrets.”

 

“I already gave you a chance. What will make this time so different?” Neil asked. 

 

“That I’m willing to give you everything. Every answer, every explanation, every thought that you need, I'll give it to you.” 

 

Andrew’s been trying to be as honest as he can, grasping at whatever communication skills he had managed to develop. Keep eye contact, speak clearly, explain thoroughly. Was it enough? 

 

“Okay,” Neil suddenly said. “You said Derek was there for you when you first came to New York.” The silent question lingered in the air, heavy enough to taste.

 

Andrew took a breath, leaning back until his back thumped against the booth. He took a moment to find the right words before settling on, “I got drunk a lot at first. I knew I had to cut things between you and I, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn't just pick up the phone and say it to you, much less say it to your face.” 

 

_The phone buzzed insistently, each vibration causing it to slide on the smooth wood of Andrew’s bedside table. A half empty glass of water sat next to it, the vibrations strong enough to cause ripples in it._

 

_Andrew didn’t even have to look at it to know who was calling. He lied in his rumbled sheets next to it, arms crossed over his face to block out the filtered sunlight. His head pounded._

 

_‘Junkie,’ He thought. His insides were a mess of nausea and heat, last night’s drinking affair taking its usual morning toll on him. Lately, he’d been drinking a lot more, but clearly his tolerance hadn’t gotten any stronger._

 

_Buzz. Buzz. The phone slid off the table and hit the ground. Andrew didn’t look at it._

 

_He forced himself to get out of bed, the sudden motion tilting his world to the left, causing him to lose balance. He caught himself on the side table this time, but he wasn’t always this lucky. Righting himself, he carefully stepped around the clothes he had thrown on the ground last night, making his way to the kitchen._

 

_Eyes squinting, he thought, ‘Fuck the sun.’_

 

_His apartment was small, barely a closet, but at least he’d been lucky enough to find a place that kept the bedroom separate from the rest of the house. An old white-painted door gave him what little privacy an apartment of this price could afford him, but it was better than nothing. The furnishing was also nothing special, a bed, a side table, a couch, a TV, a coffee table-_

 

_Andrew stopped, suddenly registering that he wasn’t alone. Cursing himself for his carelessness, he whipped around to see a large shape of a man half-squeezed into his old fridge in the small kitchen._

 

_Before Andrew could go for his knife, which was strategically tucked beneath one of the couch cushions, the man hit his head and let out a gruff, “Fuck.”_

 

_“Hodges.” Andrew said, body relaxing before tightening up again. “What the fuck are you doing here?”_

 

_Derek jumped again, clearly having not heard him come up. He hit his head again on his way out, “Oh, for fucks sake! Ugh, wait. Okay - okay. I’m out. Haha.” He gave Andrew a sheepish grin, rubbing the back of his neck, “Hey.”_

 

_Andrew glared._

 

_“I - uh - I brought groceries!” Derek said, waving his hand at the fridge and counter space next to it, where a couple containers of berries sat._

 

_“How did you get in here?” He demanded, angry, but not angry enough to go for his knives. He could handle Derek, even if the man was a giant._

 

_“You left your keys at the bar last night. I found them, so I took ‘em and thought I’d return ‘em to you.”_

 

_“So you decided to break into my house?”_

 

_“Actually,” Derek stretched the word, smiling, “I did knock. For, like, 5 minutes, but you didn’t answer so I decided to just leave them on your dining table - which you don’t have, as I can see - and I couldn’t help but notice that your apartment is…” he trailed off, looking around._

 

_Andrew raised his eyebrows, daring him to go on._

 

_“Kind of a mess.”_

 

_“Fuck off.”_

 

_“It is!”_

 

_“Shut up. What’s with the groceries?”_

 

_“I’m snoopy,” Derek shrugged. “I noticed you didn’t have any groceries, or any food at all, which, what the fuck? So I got some for you and I was gonna pack your fridge before heading out. Think of it as a sort-of late welcome gift to the team?”_

 

_Derek wasn’t entirely off. The food that Andrew had been consuming for the past few weeks consisted of enough sugar and salt to send most people into a coma. Piles of styrofoam containers and burrito wraps were gathered up in the corner of his kitchen, the garbage can foaming at the mouth with them. Andrew couldn’t even begin to explain the smell._

 

_He walked cautiously around Derek and peered into the fridge, staring blankly at the mountain of fruits and vegetables and cups of yogurt neatly stacked on top of one another. The counters looked wiped down, and the garbage was missing, as was the smell. Instead the clean smell of febreeze perfumed the air._

 

_“As you can see, I took care of everything,” Derek beamed, unapologetically overstepping._

 

_‘Yeah’, Andrew confirmed his initial thoughts about the man, ‘Definitely Nicky-esque’_

 

_“Some may see your actions as breaking-in,” Andrew noted, walking back to the living room and inspecting everything else. The cushions had been cleaned of their crumbs, the empty tub of chocolate fudge ice-cream missing from the coffee table, and the blinds had been drawn. The white-gold of the early winter sun lit up the place._

 

_He turned back to look at Derek, studying him, “Why should I not kick you out right now?”_

 

_Derek pouted, “Because I just cleaned your shit up?”_

 

_“Why should I not kick you out right now?” Andrew repeated, crossing his arms over his chest._

 

_“Fuck off,” Derek tried to scowl but a small smile won. He sucked his bottom lip between his teeth and shrugged, looking impossibly large in the small apartment, but not intimidatingly so. “Moving to a new place is hard, especially when you gotta leave important things behind. Thought I’d help you out.”_

 

_Andrew kept up the pissed persona, but a part of him felt relieved to not see coffee ring stains fused into his coffee table. Toes sinking in the carpet, he noted it too felt cleaner. Had he really been knocked out that hard that he hadn’t heard a vacuum? He had to stop drinking._

 

_Andrew settled for saying, “Thank you. Now get out.”_

 

_Derek rolled his eyes and said, “If you let me stay I can make breakfast for us. Not to brag, but I’m kind of a beast in the kitchen. Gordon Ramsay’s chosen one, according to some.”_

 

_“Don’t be an idiot,” Andrew said, but soon found himself sitting on the window sill, the sound of Derek chopping god knows what acting as background noise. The window remained closed, but through its foggy and smudged glass Andrew could see the street below. He watched the people of New York expertly weave their way around crowds, carrying bags, balancing large cups of coffee, bagels, their phones and more. Every person moved both together as one, and also separately. They came in waves, people of all ages, too preoccupied with their own shit to notice one another._

 

_He thought, ‘I can be like that, too.’_

 

_But then he thought of Neil. Was it possible to be like that when it came to him? He had to try._

 

_“Done!” Luckily Derek broke through his poisonous thoughts, and Andrew turned to see him set plates of fruit on the table, alongside eggs, coffee, toast, and more. Andrew’s stomach grumbled at the sight of it. He couldn’t remember the last time he had a decent meal._

 

_“Next time, I’ll teach you how to make something.” Derek blabbled, sitting down on the couch and turning the tv on. He continued as he flipped through the channels, “It’s actually really peaceful, you know? Also just gives you control of your diet.” He said this with a smile directed at Andrew._

 

_He finally settled on an exy game playing from a few months ago. Turning up the volume, he shoveled at least five strawberries into his mouth. Cringing at the sound of the wet chewing, Andrew too took a seat and dug in._

 

_Fuck, it was good._

 

_They didn’t speak after that for a while, too concentrated on the tv. Even Andrew was mildly interested in the game, although he’d recently come to prefer playing the game than watching others run around on a field, all sweaty._

 

_He also couldn’t deny that there was something borderline nice about Derek being here. Although he was a nosey bastard, the way he’d cleaned up the apartment and aired out the stale smell of the old food made him feel better. He’d been enveloped in his dark apartment for so long, only going out to check the mail, head to practice, or buy some quick food. Last night, he’d been roped into going out to a bar with some of his teammates, including Derek. He guessed the alcohol might have been made him friendlier than usual, given the way Derek was now behaving. He wondered what he said to him._

 

_He really had to stop drinking._

 

_Buzz, buzz._

 

_Andrew heard it all the way across the apartment, and he had no doubt Derek did, too, although he didn’t seem to react to it at first._

 

_His heart panged hard, chest tightening. He knew it was Neil. He wanted to pick it up. He wanted to book a flight and go see that mouthy asshole of his and lock them away from the world._

 

_He mentally shook his head. It’s better to have Neil alive and far than near and in constant danger._

 

_“You’re not gonna get that?” Derek asked through a mouth-full of food, still watching TV._

 

_Andrew didn’t answer._

 

_The phone buzzed._

 

_Derek looked at him, swallowing, “Dude?”_

 

_Andrew concentrated on appearing casual, “Not in the mood.”_

 

_Derek studied his face for a moment, clearly sensing Andrew’s mood. He quickly changed the subject, beaming wide, “Sure. Yo, did you see the fucking move Diaz did? Shit, we need to be prepared for that. We’re gonna face him one day, and I want to be prepared for that motherfucker.”_

 

“So, that’s me and Derek. Just that.” Andrew finished. The time leading up to the blooming of his friendship with Derek had been a dark one. With his broad shoulders, wide smile, and loud mouth, Derek had successfully managed to chase away some of Andrew’s demons. He’d been good to him.

 

“Oh,” Neil said, caught in his own thoughts. His brows were furrowed as he kept looking out the window, trying to digest Andrew’s past.

 

Andrew kept talking, knowing he probably wouldn’t get a chance to any other time, “When he showed up at my apartment the other day it was a surprise, but I thought meeting him might be something you’d like. I just didn’t know he would act like that.”

 

Neil pointed out, “But you knew he had feelings for you.”

 

“Yes, and I’ve told him before that I’m not interested in him like that. Whatever he feels for me isn’t something he’s gonna be torn up over either. He acted as a crutch for me in that first year. I didn’t tell him the details about us, but he knew there was something sour between you and I. A combination of that set him off.”

 

“You could have told him to stop. Or you could have just stopped pushing me away in front of him.”

 

“I know. I just-” 

 

“You didn’t want to lose him?” Neil finished for him. He still looked annoyed, but his features were much softer than before.

 

“No, I just couldn’t have him know about us for now. You met him – he’s like Nicky. The second he’d know for sure, he wouldn’t be able to keep his mouth shut. Not out of being a dick, but he would have been hurt and he’d confide in someone, or get drunk and then Tweet it out. He’s too careless and impulsive to know the gravity of the consequences of this right now.”

 

“And later will be fine?” Neil snorted.

 

“Perhaps. I think if we play our cards right we could work out a new deal with the Moriyamas, or give them a heads up that one of their star players isn’t exactly heterosexual.”

 

“Then they’d be prepared to quash any rumor that would hurt my career,” Neil finished for him, realization dawning on his face.

 

“They’re powerful enough to pull all the right strings to burn any story.”

 

It sounded too good to be true, but it was better than the alternative in Andrew’s mind.

 

“You know,” Neil said after a moment. “You could have avoided a lot of damage by thinking of this before you graduated.”

 

“I had already thought of this at Palmetto, but none of it seemed right. You’ve always been a pipe dream to me, and who’s to say the distance wouldn’t have driven a wedge between us anyway? Was it really worth risking your life for? I don’t think so.”

 

“Then what made you finally decide to bring me here then?”

 

“Seeing you play that game with your ratty shoes,” Andrew once more said.

 

“Really? Back to that again?” Neil raised his eyebrows in disbelief. He crossed his arms over his chest, leaning back with a ‘this oughta be good’ expression on his face.

 

“Really. I saw you, and I saw your beaten down shoes. And then I saw the bags under your eyes. The way you cradled your head between your knees when a stick hit the side of your head, and the way you got up again, pretending like nothing happened.” Anger began to lace Andrew’s voice. “You collapsed as soon as you got off the court, right?”

 

Annoyance made his head throb at Neil’s answering silence, “For the first time in a long time I let myself think of you, and I realized that no matter what happened, no matter where I was, no matter how far you were, you weren't safe. Not from the Moriyamas, and not from yourself.”

 

Neil protested, “I was living just fine. I was playing exy, I even tolerated some of my teammates–“

 

“And did any of them take care of you? If they did, they did a pretty shit job of it.”

 

“I had Dan and Matt...” Neil trailed off, knowing he didn’t have anything to say.

 

“Regardless, I’d begun to think of you, and I couldn’t stop. I was back to square one – watching you from a distance, trying to understand you. The call I got from your teammate, whatever her name was-”

 

“Nicole”

 

“When I got her call I was already on my way to see you. I already knew for sure that the distance and separation wasn't going to work, not for us.”

 

Andrew had given everything that he could think of, but there were some things he had to make clear, for his own sake, “I’ve built a life here, and I don’t want to feel like I have to give up pieces of it. I’ll say it to you a hundred times; I love you, Neil, it’s only ever been you. We can fight everything together, we can make a new deal with the Moriyamas, we can do whatever we want. But, I’m also a different person from who I was before, and Derek played a role in making that. I don’t know if I can go back.” 

 

Neil looked a little guilty and slightly panicked, “No, that’s not what I want.” He swallowed, carefully saying the next sentence, “I think I know now how much he means to you, even if I still want to punch him in his mouth.” 

 

Andrew couldn’t help but snort at that, “You’re going to have to get in line for that.” He studied Neil’s face, “Whoever I am now, I’d like you to get to know. And I'd like to get to know you, too.” 

 

A flush worked up Neil’s neck. He fidgeted with his cup before dragging out, “So…”

 

“So.”

 

Neil’s shoulders hunched shyly this time, “It’s only ever been me?”

 

Andrew’s heart jumped into his throat, “Only you.”

 

Neil nodded, letting out a breath, “Good to know.” He hesitated again. “And nothing happened between you and Derek?” 

 

“Never,” Andrew confirmed. 

 

Neil bit his bottom lip and pulled his hood off his head, his hair cutely sticking up in tufts. He looked like he wanted to say more, but wasn’t sure what exactly. 

 

Andrew’s knee jumped up and down nervously, both hating himself for feeling this way and relieved that he wasn’t closing up like he would before. This time, if Neil would allow it, everything would be different. Andrew would make sure of it.

 

“What are you thinking right now?” He finally asked, anxious to know the answer.

 

Neil took a moment to collect his thoughts, picking at his nails. Examining them, the seconds ticked by, before he looked up and said, “Yes or no?”

 

Andrew’s heart kick-started like a machine, “What?”

 

“You’re all in this time?”

 

“Yes.” Andrew felt like he was dreaming. “Are you?”

 

Neil mulled it over for a second that stretched out for an hour in Andrew’s mind, “Yes.”

 

He could feel his heart thudding against his chest, feel the pressure in his ears. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He stared at Neil, who looked back at him with a determined stare. He’d given his answer.

 

Neil leaned forward and offered up his hand to Andrew, who rested it on top of his, their palms pressed together and fingers laced. Neil tugged them forward, making Andrew follow numbly, unsure of Neil’s limit. Neil, on the other hand, seemed more sure than ever and scooted closer to the table. Andrew followed similarly.

 

With the tip of their shoes meeting in the middle, Neil brought their clasped hands up to his mouth and pressed a light kiss to them.

 

Andrew almost burst into laughter at the softness. Neil himself looked amused at the weirdly timed and affectionate action of his, but it suited to just how awkward they felt. Both a little unsure of how to conduct themselves, like baby deer learning how to walk. 

 

“Was that ok?”

 

“That was more than ok.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, thank you for reading, and sorry for disappointing some of you for the way i ended up writing the story. i wish i could have done a better job and dedicated myself better to this, but yeah. still, thank you. 
> 
> the biggest thank you of all goes to @pomponia, however, who's seen everything that went into this. 
> 
> until next time :)


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